We're Just Not Supposed to Be Here
by walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: Reagan pushes Amy and Karma into a bonding vacation.
1. Chapter 1

_*i started this with the intention of writing a polyamorous one-shot with amy/reagan/karma. an alternate to the Cabin Fever story with amy/karma/liam*_

_*so far i have over 40 pages of this so-called alternate and i don't know where it's going or what will happen in the end but so far i like it but i definitely put very limited thought into it so keep that in mind*_

_*I just need to post this so I don't trash it entirely and give up*_

_*just don't be surprised AT ALL if this fic ends in a polyamorous relationship between amy/reagan/karma*_

**We're Just Not Supposed To Be Here…**

**Part I**

She was such a sucker for Reagan, such an absolute sucker.

"Come on babe, I never get to hang out with her."

"I know but still…"

"It's not normal," Reagan pushed. "She's your best friend, and your whole life apparently, but you expect me not to know her?"

"It's just complicated Rae…"

"See, that's what you say but it really isn't," Reagan smiled at her, trying to be angry, which was hard and basically impossible. "What do you think is going to happen?" Reagan asked. "Do you think we'll hate each other?"

"Sort of."

"I don't hate her," Reagan said. She raised her eyebrow and looked at her girlfriend, the girl who couldn't trust her or talk to her or put faith in her like she should be able to.

"Karma is complicated."

"You mean, you and Karma are complicated," Reagan corrected.

"No," Amy pushed, sighing, getting frustrated but wanting to fix what was broken. "_Karma_ is complicated. She can't take us together. I can't rub this in her face."

"Why not?" Reagan asked. "She did it to you with Liam."

"Yeah but she didn't know then."

"Know what?"

"She didn't know I was in love with her."

"She may not of known but that shouldn't really matter. Friends have to deal with their friends having girlfriends." Reagan pulled Amy close and wrapped her up in a hug, kissing her neck from behind and melting Amy into an instant warm puddle.

"So, that's it?"

"I just think it'll be healthy," Reagan said, her voice lower now since her lips were by Amy's ear.

"Karma doesn't know how to be healthy…" Amy sighed.

"Well then, we can teach her."

"You really don't think I've already tried that?" Amy asked, her voice dripping with disbelief.

"You may have tried but giving up on her is pretty sad Raudenfeld," Reagan sighed too and played with the fingers on Amy's right hand.

"I'm not giving up on her, I just know that staying away works better."

"So you'd rather not have your friend?"

"I'd rather have this," Amy said, holding Reagan's arms around her and wishing it was something she could easily explain or fix. It just wasn't like that, sadly. "This is simple. It's uncomplicated. And it's mine."

"You don't have a choice, okay? I'm making you do this."

"Why?"

"It's a good idea," Reagan pushed.

"It'll just confuse things. You don't know her like I do."

"Well… I want to know her," Reagan said. "She's a huge part of your life Amy. I need to know her, to know you." She had wanted to know more about Karma ever since she met her and saw how much Karma cared for Amy and how sensitive she was to every little thing that Amy said.

"Fine," Amy said, but she knew it was a horrible idea. The only thing that could come from the two of them together would be drama and upset. More confusion. More mess.

**Part II**

After much unexpected goading from Amy, and a personal visit from Reagan, Karma agreed to join the couple for a week at her mother's cabin up in the snow. It hadn't really been something she wanted to do but it would be nice to learn more about Reagan. And it'd be extra nice to actually see Amy after weeks of forcing herself to give Amy more space.

The hard thing was, Karma had been trying to get used to being without her. She saw how crazy she was being. She saw how possessive she was, how much she needed Amy in her life.

After the truth about Liam, and Amy's confession in the jail, Karma just knew it was her turn to step back and let Amy find some semblance of peace even if she herself couldn't do that, especially after all that went on.

Basically, Karma was crushed, her soul was crushed. And she had no one. Nowhere to go.

When Reagan came and found her in the auditorium after school? When Reagan was the one who begged Karma to make time for them both?

Karma couldn't say no, not after the dinner and the jail and the camping and everything else.

They were going to have a week off from school. Karma's mom had the cabin and she confessed to leaving it empty this year, which was something she really hated to do. Reagan was luckily off from both her dj commitments and her catering jobs.

When Reagan asked for a whole week to just hangout and get to know her, Karma wasn't going to be that asshole who just flat-out said no.

"I know the perfect place," Karma had said with that soft smile of hers, the one that portrayed pain through the fallacy of happiness. "How do you feel about snow?" She had asked.

"Snow's fine," Reagan smiled.

"Well," Karma said, taking a deep breath in and trying not to envision herself there. "My mom has a cabin, in the snow and she's been complaining about how she hates to leave it empty over the winter, so... It's not too far," Karma tagged on. This was an option, a real option.

"And we could come?" Reagan asked cautiously, her eyebrows raised.

"Of course," Karma said, hiding all of her insecurities as best she could. "You're family."

It was a bad idea.

Karma wanted to be nice, she wanted for Reagan to know her and she wanted to know Reagan too but it was all just so hard and deep down she knew that if this had been something Amy wanted Amy would've been the one to convince her and not Reagan.

"Then it's a date!" Reagan said, her smile wide and infectious. _Family…_ She tried to digest that but it felt knew and almost fleeting.

"A date!" Karma smiled back nervously, feeling the brief tug of happiness though it did nothing but confuse her. Getting to know Reagan was hard because it stirred things up inside of her. When she looked at Reagan she knew that if Amy chose her she must be special. There was no denying how special Reagan must be. But Karma knew that knowing her would make everything worse. Knowing Reagan would make Karma feel even more horrible about her own fucking life. It was just that simple. She couldn't give Amy the things she needed. She couldn't be the person to get Amy to smile like Reagan did.

So yeah, it all burned. And yeah, it was a bad idea.

But after that?! There really was no turning back. Karma would go. Amy would go. Reagan would be the only one really wanting to be in the cabin.

It was so complicated Karma could scream.

It was so complicated Amy could freak the fuck out and call Karma and apologize and cancel it all for the both of them.

They had been doing so well. They had been working on the distance, creating the distance, putting up small little walls and healthily turning their intense friendship into something a little more manageable for the both of them, more normal.

Leading up to the trip, Reagan saw symptoms of Amy's nervousness and she quelled them at every turn.

"If you're not going to talk to her, or about her, I'm going to get to the bottom of things myself," Reagan had said on one particular tough night with Amy.

Amy could fight it all she wanted but she knew she'd do what Reagan wanted because that was her new way to be.

The plans were set.

Next thing they all knew, they were in the cabin, in the snow, trapped together, with no one around for miles and no escape, a full week of just them three.

And Karma and Amy couldn't have been more scared.

**Part III**

Getting to the cabin hadn't been easy. Karma drove and Reagan sat in the passenger seat controlling the music and asking her questions on occasion, small little things like "What do you think of this song?" or "I hear you like broadway."

It was a lot easier to pretend that nothing was weird when they were all three geeking out over the same things and singing the entire soundtrack to the original movie cast recording of Camelot.

That one was Amy's favorite because Lancelot was such a stooge and Guinevere was such a girl and Arthur was such a sweetie. If she was ever to rule a kingdom Amy knew she'd be just like Arthur, running away from her people and falling in love with the woman she was betrothed too, and letting her Guinevere leave after betraying her because she'd love her just that much. But those were all Karma's secret thoughts, weren't they? Things Karma knew about Amy. Karma knew. Reagan didn't.

Farrah loved Camelot, she always had. Karma knew that. Reagan didn't.

The list could go on and on. All the tiny little semi-related things that Karma knew. Like how when Amy finally saw the movie after singing the songs for a decade she cried for over a week because she had no clue what had actually happened to Guinevere up until then.

Amy tried to learn sword fighting once. Amy liked horses but she avoided them because one bucked Karma off at camp and Karma had to get stitches and Amy had to finish camp all alone and for that she would hate horses until her death.

There were so many little things that Karma knew.

Too many little things. And all of them hurt. Especially now.

On the flip side of things, it was strange for Amy to sing those songs with both her girls and know that one of them knew why she loved them and one of them had absolutely no clue why.

"This musical is ridiculous," Reagan laughed.

"It's Amy's favorite, what did you expect?"

"You're right about that," Reagan teased and chuckled. They both glanced back at Amy through their mirrors and noticed how uncomfortable she was being left out of things and still the topic of conversation.

Weird moments like that, they were already happening. And they hadn't even arrived.

In her mind, Karma chastised herself for the tiny bit of irrational anger she held inside towards Reagan. Karma knew Amy's entire life. Reagan didn't. It wasn't fair to assume Reagan knew anything. Just as it wasn't fair to be mad at her for not knowing, not yet.

Luckily, her anger flared inside and pointed it's aim inward towards her own heart. Reagan had no clue what Karma was thinking. She just thought it was all true. Of course Amy's favorite musical would be something ridiculous and satirical with cliche themes and a story as old as the dirt.

Karma's mind went off on a tangent. Karma thought about how Amy forced her to watch Legend of the Seeker and Merlin and The White Queen and pretty much any show that had to do with any kind of kingdom battle or class struggle. Amy loved history and literature and science fiction and pretty much everything Karma would've avoided if they hadn't of been friends.

Karma liked those things now, she liked them too. She loved Merlin and Arthur Pendragon was a fox. She loves The White Queen and felt her struggle every step of the way. She loved all of these things now but she had no one to share them with, not anymore...

With all this in mind, it would be a lie for anyone to say the drive went fine. They sang most of the way. And Reagan was oblivious because she really couldn't know what was happening internally between the two girls who knew each other inside-out but barely talked.

Amy was plagued by Karma's unspoken thoughts and Karma was plagued by her own stupidity and how everything out of her mouth felt wrong and everything inside her head felt wrong. Mostly Karma was plagued with her sudden lack of Amy. It had been that way for a while but to fight it would be wrong and she knew that now so she tried her best and didn't speak of things like that.

**Part IV**

The cabin changed things more.

It was quiet there. It was supposed to be peaceful but instead it unsettled two of them and twisted them up right away.

When they got in, Karma showed them their room and went to her own to unpack a few things and take a breath, steady her nerves. She held her hand out in front of her and noticed that she had been shaking.

But she couldn't talk about that and couldn't calm herself either. Amy affected her now, every day. When they were apart she could be calm. But together? She was a mess with her around, nervous, broken, strange, sad. All the while trying not to be...

As a contrast, Reagan was lovely. She really was. Karma adored her already. Respected her too.

She even loved her. She knew it would happen, she just hated that it had happened so fast. It felt wrong to be more comfortable with this stranger than she was with her own best friend.

But, it was what it was, and she had promised, so Karma would try.

On the other side of the wall she could hear them laughing together as she took her best friend necklace off and sighed, setting it down on the dresser and staring at it there.

Outside it was all snow and white.

The week would be too long and she knew it. She wouldn't last. But she would give it her all.

The laughter attacked her ears again and she sat down on the bed, muffled her cry with her hands and hurried off to the bathroom to run water so that no one could hear the panic in her now nor the sadness.

The drive had made her feel ill. It was becoming harder and harder to pretend to be unaffected.

Knowing too much about Amy had made her feel ill.

**Part V**

"So, whatta ya think?" Reagan asked. "Does she like me?"

"You hit it off," Amy concurred. But there was an under-current Reagan wasn't aware of. When Karma had glanced back at Amy in the mirror she had also seen that it was Rea's eyes Amy looked for first. This was the kind of thing Amy was trying to avoid.

"So, what's wrong grumpy kid?" Reagan had pressed her against a wall and she'd been stealing kisses and examining her mood. Amy looked vulnerable though, a little sad, and that scared Rae.

"I don't like hurting her," Amy said.

"She's fine," Reagan said, kissing Amy's neck and missing it all.

Amy let out a long exasperated sigh and Reagan stepped back away from her and watched her there.

"What is it? What am I missing?"

"You just don't know her Reagan. Believe me, she isn't happy about this."

"About what?" Reagan asked, shifting her weight from one foot to the next and crossing her arms.

"About this," Amy said. "About us, here, in the next room, kissing."

"Amy," Reagan laughed bitterly. She couldn't win.

The whole point of the trip was to break the ice and try to fix this whole problem.

"It's fine, it's just not. Okay?" Amy asked. She moved off the wall and left the room leaving Reagan alone and confused about everything.

**Part VI**

Karma heard a knock at her door. She wiped at her eyes and flushed the toilet for effect.

"Hey you," Amy said, watching, as Karma emerged from the small bathroom attached to her room.

"Hey," Karma smiled.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Karma lied, sitting down on the bed. "Just tired I guess… Long drive."

It hadn't been that long. They both knew.

Plus, Karma had always reveled in long drives. Amy knew that.

"Oh," Amy said, trying to pretend to not know what the problem was when she really did know.

"Reagan's funny," Karma smiled, scooting back on the bed until her back was on the wall and she was sitting up facing her friend. _This is normal_, she thought. _This has to be normal._

"She likes you," Amy said.

Reagan emerged from the next door room.

"I'm gonna get a drink," she said, looking between the girls and walking away. Once Reagan was out of earshot she approached Karma and spoke softly.

"You didn't want to do this, huh?" Amy asked, nervous about it. They hadn't talked much, it wasn't wise.

"Not really, no," Karma sighed and shuttered out a weak breath.

"Thanks for…"

"It's fine," Karma said, but she was already trying to fight off the impending tears.

"I know it's hard."

"Amy…" Karma sighed again, this time locking eyes with her friend and just begging her to stop worrying about her.

"Well…" Amy sighed. "How 'bout drinks?" She asked hopefully.

"Yes, please," Karma said.

Reagan had secured them a case of wine and a bottle of Jack for the week.

Karma had planned on cooking every meal and maybe with libations things would calm the fuck down and feel a little more simple.

**Part VII**

Reagan opened the wine and poured them all glasses.

They sat around the coffee table in the living room and played a game of monopoly together while Sylvan Esso played on the speakers in the background.

"Amy never told me you were killer at board games."

"Just lucky, I guess," Karma sighed. She took a drink of her near empty glass and stared down at her cards. She had Park Place and the Boardwalk. She had all three railroads and there was still one unclaimed. She was killing them without caring at all. She hated monopoly and Amy knew that. In the past Amy had blown up at her once for always winning and Karma had blown up right back because she never wanted to play, not ever, she hated monopoly no matter if she won or not.

Amy watched Karma every now and then, feeling grateful. There was so much that Karma could say, but she was holding back.

Karma may of had all the best pieces but none of that mattered because the game was fictitious. The piece she wanted was real and sitting right across from her and already claimed.

Reagan rolled the dice and moved three steps with her little metal race-car, landing on a space that no one yet owned and paying Amy for it while hating the silence in the room.

"You guys are kinda boring," Reagan confessed, not looking at either of them.

"We don't usually play board games," Amy laughed, shooting Karma a look that softened her gaze just a bit.

"Maybe we should drink more," Karma said.

Karma would be fine playing any board game right now. A distraction was a good idea and they all three needed it.

Since Amy foiled her plans of remaining simple and safe from trouble, Karma got up from the game and walked off toward the kitchen.

Karma took a new bottle out of the case and opened it, not caring how drunk she was probably about to get. Drunk would be better than feeling.

"What do you usually do?" Reagan whispered to Amy but Karma still heard.

"I dunno," Amy said. "Watch movies, talk…" She flashed her eyes at Reagan, begging for her to stop pushing.

"Lets talk then," Reagan suggested, pulling Amy's ankle to try and calm her down. While Karma's back was turned Reagan pinched Amy's ass just to get her to smile.

Coming back from the kitchen, Karma held the bottle of wine out to Rae and Rae met the bottle with the lip of her glass so that Karma could fill it up.

"Thanks," Rae said.

"No, thank you," Karma smiled flirtatiously just to ease a bit of the tension.

For Karma and Amy, talking was definitely a bad idea. There was a reason they'd minimized the importance of words in their lives of late. Every time they talked they were reminded of how much they loved each other. They needed to stop being close for things to work out with them as friends. It was important that they didn't talk. It was important that they didn't know every waking thought and feeling that the other had. The biggest problem was, somehow, even without words, they were still able to figure things out.

"What do you wanna know?" Karma asked, reading herself.

She and Reagan could talk. She and Reagan could pretend to be friends and learn new things about each other and joke around like things were simple. It was too hard for Amy and Karma to pretend with each other but with Reagan and Karma? It just couldn't hurt. Not too much anyway. Not unless Reagan started talking about Amy...

Karma took a sip of her wine.

"Well, everything," Reagan said. "Amy told me you play guitar."

"And I do," Karma said, nodding her head slowly and feeling like Callie from The Foster's every time people overstep all the problems in her life to talk about mundane things.

"What do you play?" Reagan asked. These girls weren't even giving her a scrap to chew on, this was almost torture.

"Oh God," Karma smiled. She looked up at the ceiling and tried to think about it. "Everything really. I love guitar. I love it all."

"I can play," Reagan said.

"Really?" Karma said. Amy hadn't said anything about it. And it would be exciting to Karma, Amy knew. "Amy never said-"

"Amy keeps a lot of things secret," Reagan said, shooting her girlfriend an accusatory look with love still underneath.

Karma looked at Amy and then back to Rae.

"Well, ah… We can play something," Karma suggested, feeling optimistic.

"What, now?" Reagan asked.

"Sure, why not?" Karma asked, standing.

Amy and Rae just sat there as Karma got up and walked away.

"What are you doing?" Amy asked.

"I'm bonding," Reagan teased.

Amy got up and began to fiddle with the wood next to the fire place. The cabin wasn't cold but it was getting dark and a fire couldn't hurt.

Rae lit a few candles and allowed her girlfriend to mope.

"I know you think I'm trying to start something but I'm really not," Reagan said, almost warning her girlfriend to knock it off.

From her place, squatting before the fire, Amy let out a sigh and turned around to face her girlfriend.

"This is really hard for me Rae," she confessed, before turning slowly back around and continuing to throw pieces of wood into the fireplace.

"I know. That's why I'm making you do it," Rae said. Karma and Amy had a big fucking problem. They wanted each other, needed each other, but they were avoiding one another and even Rae saw the problems in that.

"Just… Don't push it okay? I don't want her to break." Amy couldn't look at her, no matter how hard she tried to communicate her fears, Reagan didn't understand what Karma was and what this all was for Karma, how hard it must be.

Reagan wasn't sure what Amy thought was going to happen but she was sure that all she had done was hold a well-mannered conversation and play a stupid game.

"She's not gonna break," Reagan said.

Amy threw a few more logs on the fire, but those words more than frustrated her. When she turned back around Karma was coming through the door of her parents room with the necks of two guitars in her hands.

"I can't believe you just have those," Reagan said.

"My parents love music," Karma smiled nervously. "My dad plays too."

Amy stood up and crumpled newspaper with a close-lipped gaze.

Karma tried not to be distracted by her but she missed her so much, it was actually difficult not to stare.

Reagan took the guitar Karma offered and she began to tune it since that was what Karma was doing with hers.

"So, what do you know?" Karma asked, taking another sip of wine and feeling more confident with her guitar in her hands. She was already feeling the effects of the wine and she found herself suddenly loving the night for this exact moment with the candles and the fire and the time with Amy and this new musical friend.

"How about this?" Reagan asked, playing out the beginning to Taylor Swift's song _Mean_.

Karma started to laugh and put her wine down to play along.

"Do you know what it is?" Reagan beamed.

"Of course she does," Amy scoffed, watching them both and feeling a world of emotions all at once, most prominent was happiness.

When no one else started singing Karma decided to take it up while Amy lit the fire and tried not to smile.

Amy's mind was trying to escape. They were both so sexy… So talented.. So kind. But this couldn't end well.

Reagan only ever played that song to tease Amy. Amy loved Tay Swift songs, she had a secret obsession that she had actually hid from Rae for exactly this reason, the teasing.

Karma, on the other hand, loved the song, and she'd sung it to Amy before many times.

"You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me. You, have knocked me off my feet again. Got me feelin' like a nothin'..."

When Karma sang Tay's words with her deep and almost heavenly voice, Reagan sorta got why Amy would love a corny Tay song like that.

On the opposite side of the spectrum Amy listened and felt a pang for Karma as she went along with the lyrics.

"You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, callin' me out while I'm wounded. You, pickin' on the weaker man…"

They both played into the chorus and Karma took the higher part while Reagan sang low.

"You can take me down with just one single blow. But you don't know what you don't know."

By the time they got to the chorus everyone was smiling and Amy couldn't help the blush that jumped to her cheeks.

She lit the fire and sat down to listen. Both her girls took turns smiling at each other and then her while Amy sat on the ground and drank her wine and tried not to hate how happy they all were right now.

**Part VIII**

When the song finally ended it was like some weight had been lifted.

It was an icebreaker. A good one.

But now what?

Where could they possibly go?

"Here's a new one I just learned," Karma said, moving her fingers and ignoring the room, trying not to feel scared. She started in on a melancholy yet fancy guitar intro that neither Amy nor Reagan had heard before.

As Karma played Reagan got down off her chair and left the guitar to sit behind Amy and hold her lovingly while Karma played.

When the words kicked in the song was so very sad.

"Wait awhile…" Karma sang and the lyrics came out slow and stretched with long bouts of guitar in-between. "'Cause heaven knows how much I… I might've been loved…"

It was a depressing song but it was beautiful.

At one point in there it wasn't lost on Amy that Karma had actually called herself a heartless bitch.

But it was just a song right?

Just a song…

_Wait a while…_

'_Cause heaven knows how much I might've been loved…_

"Where'd you hear that?" Amy said, wanting to cry and feeling mad at herself.

"The internet," Karma said, shaking her head and trying to brush over any importance the song hand. But the importance burned like static in the room, surrounding her and Amy and frustrating them both.

Karma took another sip of wine and started in on something else.

"I learned this one too," she said, playing something fast and instantly switching gears to try and keep it together, change the atmosphere in the room.

If they were going to turn her into a monkey just to keep things from exploding, a monkey she would be.

She started a real funky guitar arrangement of Lady Gaga's "Do What You Want With My Body."

Karma hadn't even tried to be possessive. She didn't mean to cause static with her rendition of "Heaven Knows." That really was the first thing that came to her mind to play. But she already wished she hadn't played it tonight.

If she wanted to be hurtful or obvious she could've just gone at it with "Jealous of Your Girlfriend" by Alicia Keys. If she wanted to confess her love or her need to have Amy around she could've picked a better song, a more obvious tune.

She played that song because, in the moment, she had needed to.

That was it.

Amy wouldn't forget it though.

And Reagan couldn't promise that she wouldn't ask about it once their doors were closed and they were in separate rooms.

The Gaga song was helping though. It seemed random and that was good.

When she finished again and they clapped and laughed. Karma started in on another. If she kept playing no one would ever have to talk.

"Okay, one more, then it's your turn," Karma said, warning Reagan. It was a Gaga type of night.

When Karma started in on "You and I" both Reagan and Amy were just blown away by her voice.

By the time the song ended they weren't just clapping they were crying with how good it was.

"You're insane!" Reagan said.

"Just weird," Karma laughed, exchanging a happy smile with Amy and getting up off the chair to hand Reagan the guitar. "Okay, your turn now," Karma said.

She got down on the floor and waited. She specifically sat on the other side of the table so she'd be away from Amy and hopefully not even tempted to look at her.

"Okay, well," Reagan felt a little nervous but the crowd was so small. "Amy's already heard this one, but I used to play this alone after my last girlfriend broke up with me."

Reagan cleared her throat and started in hard and fast on the strumming.

"Lonely girl you lost the only thing you loved. Nothing that you have is ever good enough. And I won't be the one to keep you safe. And I won't be the one who stays the sameeee.."

Amy started getting nervous as soon as Reagan had started to play. But Reagan was so passionate, she could have no clue what the lyrics would make Karma feel. She didn't understand.

By the time Rae hit the chorus Amy felt that she might jump up and ask her to stop but she didn't.

"You got a lotta nerve and. Looks like the table's turned and. And now you're wishin' me well like you miss me. You got a dirty tongue and. Looks like the damage done is, forever and it's a long to miss me. Whoa ah ahh. And it's a long time to miss me."

If Karma had created static with her song Reagan had just unleashed a cannonball straight at Karma's chest with Tonight Alive's, _Lonely Girl_.

"Wow," Karma said, clapping, once the song was all done. She took a sip of her wine but refused to look at Amy. Her chest was on fire and it was hard to breathe. She was well aware that she must look winded to anyone looking but there was not much she could do.

"I was in a bad place back then," Reagan said, using only half of her mouth. "Here's another one from back then. It's one of my favorites. Less… GRRR," Reagan joked.

When she started in on the song it calmed Karma down a little but Amy couldn't stop staring over at her and knowing what had happened to her just then.

Reagan's voice began to sing lyrics all in spanish. The song she sang was so pretty but so fucking sad. Karma understood it, every word, but Amy didn't.

Once Reagan finally got to the chorus it was so beautiful that Karma was capable of stepping out of her emotions and trying to place Reagan's thoughts right on her.

"Asi que corre corre corre corazon… De los dos tu siempre fueste el mas veloz… Toma todo lo que quieras pero vete ya que mis lagrimas jamas te voy a dar… Asi que corre como siempre no miras atrás lo has hecho ya y la verdad me da igual. Ya vivi esta escena y con mucha pena te digo no, conmigo no…"

The girl had been ruined though faithful and she was over it now, she had to be done. Karma got that, she understood.

Why was it though that every song came back to Amy?

She couldn't help herself the tightness in her throat. She couldn't shake it off or pretend it wasn't there.

She listened and cried while Reagan sang and got teary herself, the song had a lot more meaning to Reagan because of all the women in her life who had let men trample all over them in the name of love.

On the other side of the table Amy watched them both and listened. She saw that Karma was crying and she hated again that they were all actually there.

"She really hurt you," Karma said, still fighting off her tears.

"Yeah.. She really did…" Reagan said. But the song wasn't just about her.

"I'm sorry," Karma said. Surprising Amy and Reagan both. "No one should have to go through that pain."

"It's okay," Reagan said, taking a sip of her wine and sitting back down on the floor. "I'm happier now anyway," Reagan said, sitting behind Amy again and wrapping her up in a hug.

"Yeah," Karma smiled, huffing out a relieved and shaky breath. "You've got Amy."

"That I do," Reagan said, hugging her arms around Amy's waist and holding onto her like she was a giant doll.

"Well," Karma said. She had been watching them, feeling too much. "I should probably sleep. I haven't been feeling well. I think it's the wine."

"You can't sleep, we just started playing," Reagan smiled.

"I think she's right Rae," Amy said. "We've got all week and I'm sorta tired."

"Fine," Reagan said. "But don't think I don't know this is because you two don't know how to talk to each other anymore. I know a distraction when I see one, and while this one was extremely impressive, you've gotta talk sooner or later."

Amy shot Karma an apologetic look while getting up.

"Thanks for the music," Karma said. "It was nice."

"You weren't so bad yourself," Reagan smiled.

"Still," Karma said, staring at Rae like she had somehow discovered the moon. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," Rae gulped in her throat, staring a little too long before nodding a grateful smile.

Karma turned from her awkwardly and shut herself up in her room.

She had brought the wine bottle and turned the bath on.

But she couldn't stop herself crying, not even for a moment, not after that day and those songs.

**Part IX**

"So you're not talking to me now?" Rae asked.

Amy had taken a shower and come back and no matter how many questions Rae asked Amy refused to open her mouth and respond.

"I really don't get why you're mad at me, we had a great night," Reagan said.

"You had a great night," Amy pushed, throwing the covers back angrily, fluffing her pillow and climbing inside.

"What are you talking about?! Karma loved it!"

"Despite what you may think, you don't know her Rae and I do."

"So, she didn't have a good time?" Reagan asked truthfully, wondering where these thoughts of Amy's were even coming from.

"Can we just sleep?" Amy asked, she was so tired of it all already.

"I don't want you to be mad at me," Rea pushed.

"Just forget it," Amy said, rolling away from her and frustrating her girlfriend.

On the other side of the wall Karma's hair was wet and she had heard their voices sounding upset instead of fun.

**Part X**

When she woke early in the morning Amy got out of bed first and went to the kitchen to fix coffee for everyone.

"Oh.. Didn't know anyone was up."

"Couldn't sleep," Amy said.

"Me neither, not really," Karma sighed, walking to the fridge and pulling out eggs and greens.

Amy was making coffee because Amy knew Karma loved to have coffee in the morning. Just as she knew Karma would appreciate it if she had made her some.

"Last night was…"

"Different?" Karma asked hopefully, now smiling about the night that had actually hurt to endure.

"Yeah," Amy sighed, relieved that they could talk about it.

"It was what it was," Karma relented, rolling her eyes just a bit. They were all doing the best they could do. "Your girlfriend obviously wants to know me so I guess this is for the best."

"I dunno," Amy sighed. She was sitting on the counter next to the coffee maker and swinging her legs.

"What do you mean? Do you not want her to know me?" Karma asked, turning to face her.

"No, it's not that," Amy corrected. "I just…"

"Don't worry about me, okay? I'll survive it."

"Okay…" Amy said, jumping down from the counter and getting close to her so she could look in her eyes. "Just… Tell me you didn't cry last night and I'll stop worrying."

Karma stared and raised a hand to her forehead before turning away.

"I'm fine," Karma said with her back to Amy and her head hanging down, she was trying to turn the stove on to distract herself from her feelings. But she hadn't told her that she hadn't been crying.

"I know you Karms…"

"And I know you too. This isn't easy for you either. So maybe she's right."

Amy was still standing next to Karma when Rea came out of the room and rubbed at her eyes.

"You guys are crazy," she said. "Who wakes up this early on a day off?"

"Yeah whatever, lazy butt," Amy teased.

Reagan came over and leaned on Amy and Karma turned away once she realised Amy was going to kiss Reagan good morning. She couldn't watch that. Her stomach tugged and she held it.

Reagan and Amy were both sorry for going to bed like they did but they couldn't talk about it now so Amy kissed Reagan extra slow and gave her an apologetic look. And Reagan just nodded her head, feeling sad about it all and a little uneasy but taking Amy into her arms and holding her from behind in the kitchen.

"You guys are adorable," Karma said, refusing to look.

"Bet you didn't know your best friend was so into cuddles."

"I knew," Karma said, almost solemnly, still not looking at them. She threw more broccoli into her pan and pushed it around. "Amy's pretty needy," Karma teased licking butter off her thumb.

"She is!" Reagan laughed, poking Karma on the waist and causing her to smile and really see her for maybe the first time that morning.

"We always sleep together at my house," Karma said.

"You act like you're not needy too," Amy interjected, speaking in turn about Karma.

"I know I am," Karma said. "There's nothing wrong with it. I told you it's cute."

"Ha-" Reagan laughed at Amy and turned to check out the food. "What are you makin'?"

"I was thinkin' omelets."

"Hmmm," Reagan said. "I think I saw peppers in there." Reagan moved to fetch the peppers and Karma teased Amy with a know-it-all grin while she shuffled the veggies in the pan.

"I hate you right now," Amy said.

"I know," Karma smiled, putting a piece of broccoli in her mouth and biting it with her victory.

**Part XI**

They made breakfast and ate like kings. After that they decided to go outside.

Karma's family always went sledding in this one spot close by.

It was a lame distraction but another one she could use.

"Do you guys come out here every winter?" Reagan asked.

"Yeah," Amy said, answering for her.

"You too?"

"Mostly," Amy said.

But Amy hadn't said that until now so it sorta shocked Rae.

"My parents love Amy," Karma said. "She's like the daughter they wish they had."

"But they have you," Reagan said.

"Yeah, but we're different."

Karma walked ahead leaving the two lovers to their own odd glances. Someone she was good at pretending all the words didn't upset her.

"Why didn't you tell me you came here with her?"

"It didn't seem important, I guess," Amy said.

Reagan pushed Amy and walked ahead of her when she stumbled back.

"What were your winters like?" She asked Karma.

"Like this mostly," Karma pondered. "Except, more people and more of us hiding away in our room together to try and keep everyone else out."

Karma realized what she had said and shook her head to remind herself to have some tact.

"Sounds about right," Reagan said.

"Amy and I were always hiding from my family," Karma wanted to make sure Reagan knew it was about family and not just "others."

"Do you have a big family?" Karma asked to try and steer the conversation away.

"Huge," Reagan said.

Amy walked behind them and let them talk but she hated it all, every second of it felt like sharp nails poking in her head.

"Two sisters, three brothers, tons of cousins and uncles. A lot of crazy relatives. Like REALLY crazy."

Karma laughed and it made Amy feel better.

"My mom's from Mexico and my dad's from here. She tries to pretend she's okay with me being gay but she's really not."

"Is that why you live with roommates instead of family?"

"Exaclty."

"Makes sense," Karma smiled. "Sometimes family can just be a mess."

"That is very true…"

"Either way, Amy's my family."

"'cept you barely talk," Reagan pointed out.

Karma and Amy both stopped in their tracks.

"Reagan!" Amy huffed.

"What? Is it supposed to be a secret? Am I the only one that sees it? I mean, I don't think I'm the only one."

"We talk," Karma said, trying to shake it off and defend her friend.

But they really didn't.

Ever since the jail they hadn't been talking much at all.

_Family…_ Karma thought and sighed.

It was the first time all day she had wanted to cry.

"We're not talking as much because I need to give her space," Amy said.

"Space for what? Karma's fine," Reagan said outloud, speaking for Karma.

"I dunno if I am," Karma laughed sadly. She kept on walking and tried to get away from the awkward that was suddenly happening in her own backyard. The more the happy couple squabbled the more Karma wanted to run away, find a rock, and just cry on it.

"Okay, then Karma needs you," Reagan said, looking back at Amy.

"Karma knows I'm always here."

"This isn't something she can help me with," Karma sighed, reminding them both.

They could talk about it outloud it didn't change anything, didn't help.

"Why not?" Reagan asked.

"I'm the problem," Amy said.

"Amy," Karma nearly gasped, turning around to look at her with that wounded and sorrow-filled face, tears just seconds from spilling. "You could never be my problem."

As Karma turned away again, wanting to cry or scream or just flip the fuck out and run away from it all, Reagan smiled back at Amy as if what had just happened had been a victory.

To Reagan it was simple. The sooner the friends were talking again, the sooner they were both happier and they could all get along.

But Reagan didn't understand that Karma loved Amy too much and THAT was the actual problem. Even Amy could see that Karma was coming more and more into her feelings every day.

Karma walked quickly to the edge of the hill and laid her sled down and sat down on it pushing off.

Within seconds she was far away from Amy and Rae. Within seconds she was hurdling down a steep hill with the wind in her hair.

She held on tight and tried not to cry.

"What the hell is your problem Reagan?!" Amy yelled at the top of the hill once Karma was gone.

Karma couldn't hear because it was too fast and she was too far away.

"What the hell did I do now?!" Reagan was pissed.

"You don't get it okay?! You could never get it."

"What don't I get."

"I love her and she loves me."

"Yeah, that's obvious."

"Karma doesn't love me like normal girls love their best friends."

"Of course she does."

"No she doesn't Rae, it's more than that."

"If it was more than that, you'd be dating," Reagan said.

"I know you think that but it isn't true, okay?"

"So what do you want me to do?" Reagan asked.

"I want you to stop pushing her, pushing us. When you ask her these questions you're hurting her."

"The only one who hurt her back there was you."

"No…" Amy stepped back from her, almost ashamed.

She turned around and began to walk away back towards the house.

When Karma reached the bottom of the hill she looked up to see Reagan watching her and all alone.

"WHERE'S AMY?!" Karma yelled.

"SHE WENT BACK TO THE HOUSE!" Reagan yelled back. And then she got on the sled and rode the hill all the way down.

"What's going on?" Karma asked nervously, still a bit breathless from the fall.

"I don't know…" Reagan confessed.

Karma was happy to know she wasn't the only one fighting off tears.

**Part XII**

Reagan stayed sitting in the sled.

"Will you talk to me, please?" Reagan asked.

"Sure," Karma said, putting her sled back down and sitting inside of it.

"What's going on with you guys? Why won't she talk to me?"

Karma let out a pained sigh.

"It's complicated," she said. "I'm complicated."

"Yeah, but what does that mean?"

"We just know each other's thoughts and that's hard."

"Why is it hard?"

"Because we're not together anymore," Karma said, surprising Reagan because it didn't make sense.

"Together as in friends?"

"Yes. No… I dunno…" Karma shrugged. "You were there at the dinner, I'm no good at letting Amy go."

"But you're just friends."

"Are we?" Karma asked truthfully. For the longest time all she had wanted was for someone else to understand. When no one else did, that was when she started to realize that something was off.

It was the wrong person to ask, sure. But were they?

"Are you?" Reagan asked back.

"We've never slept together. It's not like that," Karma said, reassuring her.

"So what's the problem?"

"It's that I want her for myself."

Reagan said nothing.

"And that's wrong. It's stupid."

"Selfish." Reagan said.

"Exactly," Karma agreed, gesturing to her so that she'd know she knew it was wrong.

"So you haven't been talking because you know it's wrong."

"Right," Karma said, her chest right again.

"But, that's not normal."

"I know," Karma said, looking up at the giant white hill ahead of them, the hill that they'd soon have to climb to get back to the house, back to her.

She turned back to Reagan and looked at her. "I want to be a good friend. I want to be able to get over this, live through it…"

"But what if?"

"What if?"

"Nothing…" Reagan said, but the thoughts that formed in her mind were definitely not happy ones, at least, not for her.

Karma loved Amy and there was no such thing as loving too much. Relationships tended to escalate and Reagan knew that Karma could be escalating too now, because of all she had gone through.

"Amy got mad at me last night," Reagan blurted out.

"What for?" Karma asked.

"She said I didn't get it. She said there was no way you could've been happy in your room next to us after the night we had."

"What do you want me to say?" Karma asked.

"Was she right? Were you sad?"

"Amy knows me," Karma said, hoping that it would be enough.

"Yeah but, was she right?"

"Of course..." Karma said, though she hadn't wanted to. Reagan watched as Karma picked her sled up and walked away towards the snow-covered stairs that had a rail.

Reagan stood behind and she didn't know what to feel.

**Part XIII**

Back at the house Amy had been crying. The trip was a bad idea. The trip was a stupid thing to do.

"Amy?" Karma's voice and the sound of the front door cut through the quiet air of the house and alerted Amy to Karma's presence.

"In here," Amy said, gathering herself.

Karma followed those words into the bedroom where she herself had slept the night before.

"What are you doing?" Karma asked.

"I dunno," Amy said. The stress of it all was a little too much.

Karma sat down next to her and took her hand.

"I just wanted it to stop," Amy said.

"Well it did," Karma said.

"For a second," Amy scoffed.

"Look, I can make something up. I can say my mom called and she needs me? You guys can stay and have the week? Romantic week in a cabin all alone."

"You really think I could stay here without you?" Amy cried, sort of disgusted with her all of a sudden.

"It'd be fine," Karma said. "I need to learn to-"

"Karma, no. I wouldn't do that to you."

"Okay.." Karma shrugged. She let her shoulders slump down. "Well.. What should we do then? Is there any way I can make this easier?"

"Did you cry last night?"

"Hmmm?" Karma didn't like the question. "When?" She tried to laugh. "I cried when Reagan played, if that's what you mean."

"You know what I'm asking," Amy said.

"It doesn't matter Amy," Karma shrugged and sighed. She didn't want to tell her. Everything was complicated enough.

"It does though," Amy said. "This is exactly why I didn't want to do this in the first place."

"And I didn't want to either," Karma reminded.

"I know," Amy said.

"Look, it's fine," Karma tried. "We can all leave."

"So that you can go home and cry alone without me?"

Karma didn't know quite what to say about that.

"I'm gonna have to go home eventually."

"All of a sudden I don't even want to leave your fucking side," Amy said with a dire earnestness.

The sound of a car starting up alerted them both.

"Fuck! Reagan," Amy said, hopping up.

By the time they reached the drive Rea was already in reverse and speeding away.

"REAGAN!" Amy yelled, seeing her girlfriend's upset expression and the tears on her skin.

But she was gone.

"What happened?" Amy asked.

"She asked what you asked," Karma said, letting her arms fall down and turning back to go into the house.

"Why didn't you lie?!" Amy said.

"Is that what we're doing now?" Karma cried. "Are we really back to faking it?!" If Karma could help it, she'd never want to lie or fake it again.

"Karma!" Amy said, following after her.

It was wrong of Amy to ask her to lie. But Reagan didn't need to hear this shit from Karma of all people.

"I don't get how you could be mad at me right now," Karma spoke bitterly, sadly. "I didn't want to come. I didn't ask to come. Despite how much I wanted to see you. I stayed away from you Amy. I let you go because you needed to go. You know this is hard for me. Now you're mad that I cry when I'm alone? And I miss you everyday?! Like that's some big secret I would willingly keep from you?!"

"No, Karma… No," Amy said, calming down. "I'm mad because Reagan doesn't get it and there's no right way to explain it without it sounding like…"

"We're in love…" Karma said, her arms crossed again and her expression just like it was back in the holding cell of the jail.

"Yeah," Amy sighed.

"Well, maybe we just are," Karma said. She'd been trying to fight all the ways in which it killed her to be without her friend.

"Maybe," Amy said. Maybe you didn't need sex to be in love. Maybe that was never their problem.

"But you don't want to kiss me Karma," Amy said without thinking.

"Uhh," Karma sighed heavily. "That's not even…" She cut herself off. "I told you I was the problem. I get that I'm the problem," Karma said. "I don't know what I want. I never know what I want," Karma said, feeling shaky. "Just… Call your girlfriend please," Karma said, handing Amy her phone.

"And… For the record… I guess you don't remember but I was the one who told you I liked it when we kissed after the first time."

Karma walked off to her room and slammed the door.

Amy sat down at the table and waited for Reagan to pick up.

**Part XIV**

"Where are you going?"

"I just needed to think," Reagan said.

"I know it's confusing. This is why I didn't want to do this."

"You got mad at me Amy. You've been upset with me this whole trip and all I've been is myself."

"I know," Amy said, feeling pitiful. "It's not your fault. I know."

"Well, you were right about Karma."

"What do you mean?"

"She did cry."

"Oh," Amy sighed.. "Why did you ask her that Rae?" Amy just wanted to scream.

"I just wanted to know what it was that you both weren't saying."

"You've already seen it though. You were there at that dinner."

"I was there, but it didn't make sense."

"Yeah, and it still doesn't," Amy said.

"So, she's in love with you?"

"She's always been in love with me but that doesn't change anything. It doesn't take away our problem."

"What's your problem?"

"She wants something else, Rae," it was a horrible thing to have to say. "She wants the American dream with the husband and the three kids and the puppies and the vacations."

"And she can't have that with you?"

"Guess not," Amy said. "But we figured this out a while ago, okay? None of this is new information. I haven't been thinking about this."

"I can't believe you let me talk you into doing this."

"Don't," Amy said, tears rushing her.

"You should've told me this before."

"I thought you knew!" Amy was beyond upset at how everything seemed to be turning around onto her.

"HOW WOULD I KNOW?!" Reagan yelled.

Amy let the phone dangle in her wrist away from her ear.

"Will you just come back? Please?" She cried as she pathetically begged.

"Fine," Reagan said. She didn't really know where she had been going anyway.

**Part XV**

When Karma heard the door again she decided to stay in her room.

She was right in what she said. She didn't mean to come or cause a problem. All she wanted was to be able to be normal. That was it.

When a knock came at her door Karma wasn't expecting it to be Reagan.

"Can we go into town?" Reagan asked.

"Sure," Karma said, feeling nervous if not a bit relieved. If Reagan and Amy went out together she could actually find some time to relax and get calm.

"I meant, all of us," Reagan said. She'd obviously been crying.

"Oh," Karma said. "Sure." This time she got up and pulled a coat out of her suitcase and took Reagan's hand and squeezed it on her way out.

"I didn't mean to freak out," Reagan said.

"It's fine," Karma sighed. "I didn't mean to upset you."

And they were both telling the truth.

They got in the back seat of the car and Reagan pulled Karma in to hug her and lay on her.

"Some things are just confusing," Reagan said.

"I didn't want to come," Karma confessed. Slow tears were still somehow falling out of her eyes.

In the front seat Amy ignored them and drove.

Amy had seen a diner on the way in and they could all use a bit of comfort food.

"I'm sorry," Reagan said. She realized she had put them all in an awkward position. But would it have been better to keep ignoring the obvious? Reagan wasn't sure but she still wanted to help them.

Karma squeezed Reagan's hand and felt safe in her arms.

"We don't have to talk," Reagan said.

"K," Karma said, raising Rae's hand up in hers to wipe a tear of her cheek. She laughed a little, noticing how close she had randomly come with her. Absent-mindedly she brought her lips to Reagan's hand and kissed it thankfully. If anything she was glad someone else was there.

**Part XVI**

At the diner they all ordered huge meals. Even Karma ordered a dish with a giant slab of mashed potatoes.

Bleary eyed and confused on what to talk about Karma tried to say something of interest.

"You're really pretty," Karma said, causing Reagan to cock her head and blush a tad without meaning too.

"Thank you, Karma..." Reagan laughed. "You're pretty too," she teased.

Amy stared at Reagan and cocked an eyebrow. She liked that everyone was finally on the same fucking page.

"Not as pretty as you," Karma said. "My lips are boring and my nose is huge.. Also my hair is crazy," Karma was just rambling with her head in her hand.

"Stop it, you're beautiful," Amy smiled.

"Right," Karma said, flashing her eyes at her and eating a bit of her potatoes.

"Your voice is amazing," Reagan said. "Amy had shown me a few of your old videos."

"Ew, Amy?" Karma smiled awkwardly. "Those are horrible."

"They weren't bad," Reagan said. "But hearing you last night was something else. I'd trade my whole body for a voice like that."

It wasn't supposed to come out so sexual but it did.

Karma cleared her throat and tried to move past it.

"We should collaborate," Karma said, remembering how great they sounded during the bridge of that Taylor Swift song.

"Maybe we should," Reagan said. Beneath the table she squeezed Amy's hand.

"So, ah-" Amy was nervous but she spoke anyway since she knew Reagan wanted her too. "Reagan has a lot of equipment." She paused a second because they were both staring at her like she was insane. "For mixing." Amy tagged on. Awkward bird that she was.

"Oh," Reagan sighed. "Yeah, I do. But I don't really work with vocals ever. I just don't like my voice that much."

"Your voice is sexy," Karma said, moving a hand over Reagan's out of reflex and locking on her eyes. "I mean… The second song you sang last night?"

"Corre Corre Corre Corazón?"

"Yeah, that one," Karma said, licking her lips at just the mention on Reagan's tongue. "Th-that was beautiful," she stuttered feeling flustered.

"I think it was more the song than me."

"I dunno about that," Karma said, moving her hand away and trying to blush less, smile less.

"Do you guys want me to leave," Amy joked.

"Shut up," they both said. They both wanted to hit her but Reagan was the closest so she got to win.

"You're sorta making us do all the work," Karma said, looking more at Reagan than Amy and knowing that Reagan agreed.

"I could say any number of things but I don't know what you guys want me to say."

"Say what you want," Karma said. "It's not like it's hard."

"She's always like this with new people," Karma said. "Not usually with me though," she tagged on.

"Says the person who used to make me talk to boys for her."

"Whatever," Karma blushed.

"Did you really make her do that?" Reagan asked.

"Yes. I am the worst," Karma confessed, guilty and regretful about it all.

"She used to get sick. She couldn't even talk to Liam when we first met."

"Liam.. Liam… Now there's an interesting topic," Reagan said. "So, how's it going with you two?"

"It's not." Karma said. "Going."

She'd ended it with him after he slept with his very best friend.

Yeah, they were still fucking every now and again but a relationship was out of the question. She'd never trust him again. That was poor judgement at it's ultimate poor.

"She realized he only wanted her because she was a lesbian," Amy said. There was a secret and Karma didn't know. Amy had never told Reagan about the Liam stuff.

"Sort of, and then he slept with you," Karma said, not putting two and two together quick enough.

"What?" Reagan asked. Her face seemed to drain of its blood.

"What?" Karma said, looking up to Amy in panic and then back to Reagan.

"He slept with who?" Reagan asked, looking at Amy.

"Me. he slept with me," Karma tried. She tried to get Reagan to look back at her and talk to her.

"Amy," Reagan said, judging her.

"It was an accident, a long time ago."

Reagan pushed at Amy until Amy had to let her out of the booth.

Watching and pretty much shocked, Karma got up and chased Reagan since Amy was apparently incapable of chasing anyone, so it seemed.

"Reagan, stop!" Karma tried. "Don't strand us, please," she knew that would work.

Reagan stopped at the door of the car.

"What do you mean she slept with Liam?"

"It was after…"

"After what?" Reagan asked.

"It was the night she told me she loved me," Karma said, shifting her weight from one leg to the other.

Reagan turned to the parking lot and then back to Karma.

"Why the hell would she keep that a secret?"

"I dunno," Karma said, seriously. "But it's over and done."

"How are you talking to her? How do you not hate her? If my best friend slept with my girlfriend I'd be beyond pissed."

"I just… I got why she did it," Karma tried but there really was no explaining why she and Amy were okay with the odd things they were okay with.

"What, as a punishment?"

"Sort of… Yeah…"

Karma sat down on the concrete curb outside the restaurant and Reagan came and sat down to join her.

"She wanted to hurt me 'cause I had hurt her." Karma said, almost in a whisper.

"I don't get it. How did you hurt her?"

"I didn't love her enough."

_Fuck that, _Reagan wanted to say. But the words they just wouldn't come out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**How Could You Be So…**

**Part I**

When Amy finally came back out with all their food wrapped up and the check paid, she simply got into the car and tried to ignore Karma and Reagan as they followed her lead.

She drove back to the house feeling heavy.

So far the trip had already been worse than she had thought it ever could be.

She parked outside the house and waited for Karma to take the food and get out. She knew she had some explaining to do. But, to her surprise, Reagan exited the car too, instead of staying and trying to talk to her in private.

In the car, Amy had a brief fleeting thought, _**but what if I just leave?**_

Her hands were gripping the wheel. Her mom had given her a credit card.

_**What if I just go? **_She thought.

The more she let the idea swim around in her head, the more she actually wanted to act on it and flee.

**Part II**

Inside the house Karma and Reagan sat in their separate rooms listening to each other as they each quietly breathed with open doors.

Reagan was quietly crying but she didn't want to be. She sniffled and Karma knew why. She was in a strange place, practically alone, with an almost stranger.

Amy had kept so much from her, so many things.

Karma sat on her bed nervous.

"This really isn't like her," she said, breaking the silence, letting her know she was there.

"Well, apparently, I wouldn't know," Reagan said sadly. This trip was just a fucking wake-up call. Did she really know anything at all? She was starting to hurt. It was all suddenly beginning to do damage.

They both heard as the car outside randomly started up again. Their bodies were so still and in separate rooms they were both holding their breath as Amy switched the car into reverse and left them there.

"Wow…" Karma said at long last.

On the other side of the wall she could hear Reagan breaking down, crumbling.

She stood up from the bed and went over to her.

"Can I come in?" She asked politely, desperately, wanting to help or hold her or do something, suddenly, anything. She would understand if Reagan didn't want company but Karma was lonely now, so lonely. She hated that for so long she had been holding so much in. And then there was that conversation they had just had. Reagan's reactions hadn't really been expected at all.

"Sure," Reagan cried out, angry with herself for being weak. She scoot over on the bed and rolled away to hug her pillow and cry into it, try and silence herself. Reagan wasn't really the type to just cry in front of strangers or even people. She just didn't like it and usually, for the most part, this never happened. But then again, Karma wasn't really a stranger, she was something else entirely, something unexplained. Sometimes it's actually harder to cry in front of people you know.

Karma carefully climbed onto the bed and moved up behind Reagan, pulling her body into her and hugging her with the all of herself.

"I'm sorry," she said with her face nestled close against Reagan's.

There wasn't anything she could really do, so she held her.

Reagan cried harder in Karma's arms, accepting her.

Amy had been keeping important things secret and that knowledge was just suddenly too much for Reagan to take.

Feeling close and holding her, Karma breathed in and smelt Amy on Reagan's skin. It was so odd yet lovely. She noticed how thin Reagan's arms were, and how delicate and soft she felt, she was different than Amy but, a soft difference.

"You smell like her," Karma said shakily once Reagan had stopped crying enough to hear words. Emotions had taken her. Karma let her lips smile lightly onto the smooth naked skin of Reagan's shoulder, she loved her suddenly, just adored her. She moved her lips back and forth and kissed her there feeling how smooth and cool her skin was against her lips.

"Kinda hard to avoid," Reagan laughed. She felt the kiss and just smiled.

"She's difficult sometimes," Karma said, remembering.

"She shouldn't of kept that from me." Reagan was stewing but Karma was easing things somehow. In this moment, Reagan was almost grateful that Amy had gone.

"I know," Karma agreed. She never would've guessed that Amy WOULD keep a secret like that. But she was starting to see that Amy was keeping a lot of things from Reagan. She just wasn't sure if it was on purpose or not because she hadn't talked to her much in a while and it really wasn't her place not unless Amy asked, which she didn't. "Have you told Amy about all of your-"

"It's different," Reagan said, cutting her off. "She knows that."

"Oh," Karma sighed… "Because of me?" She hated knowing how much she fucked up Amy's life. Holding Reagan like this and smelling Amy and actually feeling her all around? It was just… It was something… It was like remembering and still having her.

"No," she said, feeling Karma's innocence. "Well… Maybe," Reagan relented, pulling Karma's arms in closer around her stomach, inviting her to blanket her and treat her like she would Amy, hold her tight and not let go.

Karma felt a soft tug in her stomach, like a fist tightening it's hold on something inside.

"What is it?" Karma asked, noticing the change.

"The girl I was with before…" Reagan started. Karma sniffled lightly near Reagan's ear. "She left me for a guy."

"It wasn't like that for Amy," Karma said. "She only slept with him to hurt me."

"My ex did that too," Reagan said. She didn't see much of a difference between the two situations. Karma obviously loved Amy. And Amy obviously hurt her in the worst possible way, which was something she really wasn't aware of until tonight. And Amy was still hurting her by pushing her out of her life. Reagan could see it. Even if it wasn't intentional.

"I think it's different," Karma sighed. She needed it to be different. She knew enough of Amy to be able to see that Amy's actions then had been a direct result of being unbelievably hurt and nothing more.

"I dunno…" Reagan said pensively. "If she did that to you…" Reagan thought out loud, Karma's body holding her own. The thought that followed of course was, _**she could do that to me...**_

Karma exhaled and tried to be calm.

Reagan moved her hand onto Karma's and gripped it.

"I'm sorry," Reagan said sadly, realizing what she had just thought and how even though she didn't say it, it had made it's way into the air.

"Please don't," Karma said. "I should've never said yes to this trip. All I did was complicated your life again."

"It was a necessary complication."

"I don't think so," Karma said, hating herself.

"I'd rather know, Karma," Reagan reassured. Secrets always seemed to break her, they always did.

"Okay," Karma said, relaxing a bit.

**Part III**

Amy drove back through the town and parked at a donut shop when she finally got restless. Not knowing what to do with herself she took her phone out of her pocket and dialed Lauren.

"Amy?"

"Hey…"

"Diiiiidddd, you mean to call me?"

"I think so…" Amy sighed.

"Are… You okay?" Lauren was back at home being lazy. She had a break from Amy and a break from her Dad. The house was hers and since she was between guys she'd taken to being a complete do-nothin'.

"No," Amy quivered. Lauren could hear it through the phone.

"Shit," Lauren sighed, sad. She hated that she couldn't just teleport to her sister and comfort her. "What happened?"

When Lauren heard about the trip with Karma and Reagan she knew it wasn't going to go well. She had been watching Amy and Karma for months and noticing how distant they were. Then all of a sudden? A trip? With each other?

Just the mention made Lauren stuff her face into a pillow and scream. They were meant for each other. Complete idiots. Everything that was happening just seemed like a mistake. And then the trip? Guaranteed wave-maker.

Secretly, Lauren had been glad to be far away from the storm. But now? With Amy on the end of some phone line somewhere? Crying? Alone?

Lauren hated herself for not asking to come…

"It's just been…"

"A mess," Lauren answered.

"Yeah," Amy cried, feeling small inside the car.

"Well, you knew it would be," Lauren said.

"I know," Amy sighed.

"Did you really think you could just push Karma out of your life?"

"I dunno," Amy said truthfully, crying more now.

"Sweetie…" Lauren said, feeling as tears rushed her on the other end of the line.

"I know this is stupid," Amy said. "I just…"

"You wanted things to work," Lauren got it, she always did.

"Yeah.."

"I wish I was there…" Lauren said, mournfully. She knew if Amy was calling it was because she needed her.

"Me too," Amy said.

After that, Lauren tried to get her to laugh by telling her about the stupid show she was watching and the idiotic things the people were doing. Since it was a reality show Amy knew it well and the laughter came easy.

Lauren calmed her, made her realize that, no matter what, things would work out somehow and be okay.

When she finally sucked it up enough to go back to the cabin she decided to bring gifts and a more centered attitude.

She came through the door carefully and called to them but received no answer. Putting the donuts down on the table, she left the keys too and walked over to find Reagan's door open and her and Karma curled up together inside on the bed. The sight was enough to bring tears back to her eyes.

Without words she curled up behind Karma on the bed and held her and fell to sleep. It could all wait another day. There was no harm in that. So it did.

**Part IV**

In the early morning, before day, Karma woke first. Once she realized where she was though and that Amy was holding her she tried not to freak out. Amy's breath was dancing on her cheek and she could smell her hair and feel her holding her. It had been a long time. She'd been dreaming of this, hoping for this. Beyond hope, it had seemed.

With Reagan in her arms and Amy holding her, Karma didn't know what to feel. She tried to calm herself and not feel as tender and achy as she felt with AMy's hand on her waist and her body pressed against her.

It was too hard.

She moved a little and Amy stirred.

"Sorry," Karma whispered, sitting up.

She crawled off the bed and watched as Amy sleepily scooted up to Reagan and held her, falling right back to sleep.

She ran another bath and soaked in it, feeling that achy tenderness as she thought about Amy again, in the next room sweetly sleeping.

If she was smart… A good friend… She would just leave…

**Part V**

Naturally, despite sleeping much at all, Karma woke early. Her nerves always got to her. She walked out to the kitchen to start coffee and play soft music and read a book on the couch.

"Morning," Reagan said, coming out about an hour later.

"Morning," Karma sighed, sharing a sweet smile. She stood up and followed her into the kitchen. When Reagan hesitated Karma reached over her, coming close, and pulled a clean mug from the cupboard, leaning a hand and nearly her entire body on Reagan for support. "Go sit, I'll bring you some," Karma said, trying to relax her.

"Thanks," Reagan said, touching Karma's waist to gently move around her. It was nice, staying with her. Karma was nice. They'd somehow already become intimate. And Reagan liked that about K.

Feeling pensive and ashamed, Karma poured the cup slow and sighed as she gazed out the window, it was snowing again. All hope for escape was now gone. No one would be able to drive in that blizzard.

When Karma began to come back to her Reagan spoke. "Guess we were tired," she said, thinking about how they left things in the night.

"Guess so," Karma smiled, feeling a tightness in her chest as she approached Reagan with the coffee and cream and feeling nothing short of compassion.

"You didn't have to bring this to me," Reagan teased. "I have legs and hands too."

"I wanted to," Karma said. "You're my guest."

"You're too nice Ashcroft," Reagan smiled, fixing her coffee and trying to deal with her lot.

"I'm really not," Karma said, remembering things, past actions, the way she always seemed to screw everything up. She pushed her hair from her and leaned on the arm of the couch looking over towards Amy's room.

"She's still asleep," Reagan said, noticing.

"I almost left last night," Karma confessed. She needed to say it.

"I'm glad you didn't," Reagan said, licking creamer off her thumb and locking eyes with her truthfully.

"I don't think I should be here."

"Scared you'll break us up?" Reagan asked.

"Maybe," Karma said truthfully.

"If we break up it's because of us, not you," Reagan said flatly. There was no denying that. Especially now given all of Amy's secrets.

"If you break up and it's directly because I was around you? That's the same thing," Karma said, closing her book and leaving it on the table. She stared at the empty fireplace and wished it was glowing and emitting heat.

"What makes you think you need to feel responsible for everything?" Reagan asked curiously, the coffee filling her up.

"I have to be responsible for the things I have a hand in. It doesn't matter if I wanted things ruined or not. I do things I'm not proud of."

"I dunno," Reagan said, slyly seeing her in new light. The conversations last night and the day before had really done things to her. She saw Karma differently and she liked her. A lot.

"Why do you think Amy kept things from me?" Reagan asked truthfully.

Karma sighed, she didn't want to be responsible for any more damage. "You guys should really talk about it together," Karma said.

"Why? She's just going to keep things… Lie."

"I think she's scared," Karma said nervously.

"Of what?"

"I dunno," Karma said, upset with the morning already. "If she knew about your past she must've known the Liam thing would hurt you."

"So what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You love her."

"Always," Karma said.

"Why is she pushing you away?"

"It's too hard," Karma said. She thought they were already past that. "When she told me about her feelings.. I couldn't.." Karma cleared her throat and fought back tears. "I wasn't ready to hear it." She said simply.

"And now?"

"Things are different now. The situation has changed."

"Because of me?"

"Because of life. Because of us. Because nothing can ever just work," Karma said standing.

Reagan watched as Karma brushed her hair from her face and looked exhausted.

"Okay, I'll stop," Reagan said. She saw how she was getting her, what she was doing.

Somehow though, Reagan enjoyed the fact that no matter what she asked Karma would just be honest and tell the truth.

Amy wasn't like that, she dodged things.

"Why are you doing this?" Karma asked, almost upset with her.

"My relationship is falling apart because you exist," Reagan said.

"I told you I'm responsible. I told you I didn't even want to come out here in the first place."

"And I told you I'm glad that you did," Reagan reminded, smiling queerly.

"Can we just…" 

"Sit down please," Reagan said.

Karma sat back down and Reagan pat the empty space on her knees.

Frustrated but with a smile, Karma outstretched her legs and let them fall ontop of Reagan's, she felt pleasure as Reagan began to rub her ankles and feet.

"I don't want to hurt you Karma. I don't want anyone to get hurt."

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Karma asked.

"From what I can tell, I don't think anyone's been really nice to you in a long time," Reagan confessed. It had all been leading to that Reagan supposed, the conversations, the questions. Reagan liked seeing people, getting them. Karma wasn't too hard to get, she just hadn't gotten the chance until now.

Karma tucked her feet away from Reagan and turned her body around on the couch. Where her feet once where she placed her head, and when Reagan went to pat her hair Karma pulled Reagan's hand around her and held it.

"You're sweet," she said.

"I like you too," Reagan confessed, squeezing her hand and holding Karma's head delicately with her other hand.

They just stayed there in the room holding hands. Reagan drank her coffee and Karma surprisingly fell right back asleep, at once calm as placid lake.


	3. Chapter 3

_*as I warned in the beginning: this is a KREAMY fic (as in ALL THREE)*_

_*if you don't want to read that, just stop reading, I do not need an explanation. Your opinion is your opinion and I respect that so please respect mine*_

_*this title comes from the song HOW by Lisa Loeb*_

**Chapter 3**

**There Are Some Things I'd Like To Figure Out**

**Part I**

When Amy woke to find herself alone again she rubbed her palms over her eyes and braced herself for a day of hard reckoning.

_**You can do this…**_ She told herself, getting up and leaving to look for her girls.

Walking into the living room she noticed Reagan's head first.

Reagan turned to her and raised a finger to her lips, warning her to stay quiet.

Amy walked into the living room and was surprised to find Karma resting her head in Reagan's lap.

"What's happening?" Amy asked, nervously.

"She's just tired," Reagan whispered back.

"And last night?"

"She was comforting me," Reagan said, realizing how insane that was, how insane it all was. But she knew she wasn't being defensive, just honest.

"Oh," Amy said, not getting it. The two people most important to her seemed closer than ever, even though they barely had time to exchange more than a few words, and somehow she was on the outside all alone.

Reagan had been trying to think of what she should say to her but nothing felt right. Amy needed to talk. Amy needed to explain. But Rae couldn't make that happen any more than she could make Karma break and kiss her friend. It was a tossed-up world, a messy fishbowl of problems.

"Rae…" Amy said, wishing that they were alone.

Reagan looked up at her and waited. She wanted to be strong.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you… And lied to you… And-." Though she was desperate to get her words out, Amy stopped because Karma twitched.

Hearing upset voices, Karma naturally stirred. She woke up and sat up, since she had seen Amy in front of her real close but talking to Rae. The instinct was to leave. This wasn't something she was supposed to be there for and she knew it. But when she rose Reagan pulled her back.

"Don't," Reagan said, holding onto Karma's hand and stopping her from leaving.

"Let her go," Amy said indignantly, noticing.

"No," Reagan said. "I want her to stay."

"What for?" Amy asked with a bite of anger on her tongue.

"In case you lie again," Reagan said. "Every time I'm hurt it's because you lied."

"I didn't lie. I just kept something from you."

"Last time I checked, that was the same fucking thing," Reagan said, holding onto Karma and feeling as Karma reluctantly sat back down and moved her hand to hold at her arm and comfort her. The conversation that was happening wasn't fun.

"It's not though," Amy said, defending herself.

"Amy…" Karma said, goading her, hoping she'd just give in to Reagan and apologize. This was so strange.

"Okay… But I knew you'd be upset about it, that's why I kept it from you."

"If you could do this to her you could do this to me," Reagan pushed, anger biting at her eyes. She really hated that she had to be the one to point it out.

Next to Rae, Karma sunk further down into the couch. She turned her face into Reagan's arm and let her closed eyes fall down on Reagan's shoulder as she sighed.

"I don't feel good," Karma said suddenly, sure of herself. The nerves were too much for her. She was going to be sick.

Hurriedly, she brushed her hand along Rae's arm and stood up again. This time Reagan let her go. Karma's body language had been asking her, begging her, to let her go.

Amy and Reagan both watched as Karma quickly took her leave.

"Why are you doing this here?" Amy asked once Karma had shut her door and locker herself away.

"Why are you like this?" Reagan responded. "You're mad at me no matter what I do. And you lie to me. And you hurt your friends."

"What are you talking about?" Amy asked, confused. It was the last part that got her.

"Liam." Reagan said, reminding Amy of the one thing she kept hidden, the one important thing. "You wanted to her hurt. That's all you wanted."

"What?" Amy asked, confused by it all. Why was Reagan being mad _**for**_ Karma? It just didn't make sense.

"Say something," Reagan pushed. Her ax to grind was with that and that alone.

Amy tried to go back and remember it all. "I wasn't thinking," she said.

"She loves you Amy."

"Yeah but-"

"No," Reagan said. "She's in love with you."

Amy didn't quite know what to say.

"You can't know that," Amy pushed.

"I do," Reagan said. She could recognize love when she saw it.

"What do you want me to say?" Amy asked at a loss. Nothing was happening like she had expected it to.

"Just go talk to her," Reagan pushed, completely upset with her. Amy was already failing with her. She may as well go comfort someone who actually might accept it or need it more.

**Part II**

Karma had rushed into her room and shut the door. With urgency she ran to the bathroom and fell to her knees feeling as her body tried to force her morning coffee up and out of her. It tried but it failed. Instead she dry-heaved and felt as her head spun dizzy above the bowl, reminding her yet again that she should've gone, she should've left in the night. It'd be better to be alone now and leave them alone and uncomplicate things.

She rose her head up and held the toilet with both hands. Outside the small window near the ceiling she could see the snow still falling quickly outside. It was nearly a blanket of white.

_**I'm such a fucking idiot**_, she thought, berating herself in her mind.

The door opened behind her and Amy hurriedly stepped into the small room.

"Whoa," she said.

"You shouldn't be here," Karma pushed sadly, refusing to look. She felt it again that want to just vomit up her life.

"Karma, what are you doing?"

"I shouldn't be here," she reminded, sick with herself as tears rushed her again.

"Karma?" Amy fell behind her and let her hand fall onto Karma's back.

"You're chasing the wrong person," Karma said. She was pissed at her for always running and never chasing. At the diner she should've run after Reagan. Right now, she should be talking to Reagan. "Amy… Why am I here?!" Karma cried, upset with herself.

The snow was falling so fast and she couldn't leave.

"I don't know," Amy cried, suddenly upset with herself too. If everyone was mad at her, it had to be her own damn fault. She couldn't watch Karma cry, it hurt too much. And she couldn't talk to Reagan because she didn't know what Reagan wanted her to say. Every piece of her wanted to fix things. But there was no clear path and no obvious right way. She might as well be reaching for the moon. So she cried.

"Stop," Karma tried, pushing up off the toilet and leaving her there. "Stop," she said again, just outside of the bathroom.

Amy looked up at her and thought about speaking but held things inside.

"You knew this would happen," Karma said, suddenly angry with her. For so long she had tried not to be upset about how distant Amy had become. And for things to all culminate and explode on this unexpected trip? Karma just wanted to let her anger out. "You must've known this would happen."

"I didn't," Amy said, almost begging her. None of this was her idea. None of this was something she could predict.

Watching her there, all weak on the ground. Karma felt her sanity coming back to her. It wasn't Amy's fault. It wasn't Amy's fault.

_**This is your fault,**_ Karma reminded herself. _**It's you. It's always you. You're the broken one. You're the one who's wrong.**_

Quickly, still upset with herself, Karma removed herself from Amy's site and rushed out in the space where Reagan still was just waiting.

"I don't know what to do," Karma said, watching as Reagan stood and moved to touch her but suddenly held back.

Amy got up and stood in the doorway looking over at them.

"What do you want me to do?" Karma asked, staring over at her and then back at Reagan.

The question hung in the air.

Amy did not have an answer.

"Karma," Reagan said, taking a step forward and grabbing her hand.

Karma covered her mouth to keep herself from crying.

"Come 'ere," Regan said, tugging Karma's hand and bracing herself as Karma fell right into her and cried hard into her shoulder, hugging her, letting go of her sadness and regrets at long last. There was nothing else Karma could do.

As she held her, Reagan stared at Amy over Karma's shoulder and wondered what she was going to do because she obviously needed to do something.

Amy walked back into the living room and sat down on the couch.

"I didn't plan this," she huffed. Why was everyone so upset with her? No matter what she did it just always seemed wrong.

"I did," Reagan reminded them both, accepting a small sliver of responsibility. But she really couldn't have known. There was no way for her to know how deep this hurt ran, how deep the well tragically fell.

Karma cried and ignored them. It felt good to be held and Reagan rocked her in her arms, soothing her and rubbing her back.

After a while Amy stood up, she was upset that it wasn't her comforting Karma. Reagan knew Amy was upset. They exchanged a look and Reagan stood up straighter, feeling her throat tighten with pain. Watching and knowing, she let Amy tug at Karma's waist and pull her to fall onto her and cry onto her instead.

Karma just followed, not caring. But when Amy wrapped her up in her arms bearing all of her weight and her sadness it was like coming back home, finding home again after so fucking long. Without wanting too Karma cried even more once she'd fallin' into her like a piece of the puzzle finally finding its only place.

Reagan stared at Amy with tears hanging in her eyes as Amy tightened her grip on her friend in front of her. This wasn't something Amy could explain away. It was obvious. Karma loved her and she loved Karma.

Too Amy, of course, it felt like heaven to hold Karma after so long, but it felt wrong in front of Reagan. It was wrong. What on Earth had she been doing? Secrets? Lies? Hiding? It was this thing she'd been avoiding ON PURPOSE and no matter how much she tried she was back, she was doing it.

Tears fell out of Amy's eyes and she sniffled without wanting to. She watched Reagan and noticed her watching right back. They all cried but Reagan and Amy couldn't stop seeing one another, actually seeing now what was happening whether they wanted it to or not.

Reagan took one of Amy's hand off of Karma's back and held it. She wanted her to know it was okay.

**Part III**

After the crying Amy eventually brought Karma to her room and made her lay down alone to rest. She closed her in and left her there. As soon as she saw Reagan waiting just outside she walked to her quickly, nearly falling, and kissed her passionately, wanting to erase the past few days, wanting to go back and start over, just forget again about Karma and everything, just drown in her again.

"Amy," Reagan said, bitterly, pulling Amy's hands away from her face and holding her wrists to get her to stop reaching, stop trying. "You don't have to," Reagan said.

"That's the thing," Amy said. "I want to," she twisted her hand around so that Reagan would have to let go of her and when Amy reached and grabbed her face again and pulled her into her, Reagan let the kiss come, she let Amy touch her because she wanted her too. They had fired and if anything it was only hotter now given the days in the cabin.

The fire raged in the room while they both felt that undeniable heat between them, the thing that was also evidently permanent and real. They couldn't just cut it away or break it from their thoughts. No matter if Amy and Karma were in love Amy and Reagan had chemistry and desire. When they touched all else was lost, unimportant, trivial and stale.

The fire that Reagan had made while Amy was gone crackled in the near distance as the two of them lost themselves in what now felt like an almost forbidden affection.

Reagan couldn't stop her mind. It stopped when Amy touched her but every second she had a chance to breathe she remembered the truth of what she had just seen and the conversations she had just had. Her girlfriend was in love with another. And the love was epic, transcendent. It was more than anything Reagan herself had experienced but so close to her last disaster that she understood why. It was so strong it made her want to stop.

As Amy tugged at her clothes and fought them off, kissing every inch of her, praying for a second chance, Reagan knew that it wasn't going to be like that with them. It could still be, but it couldn't be _**like that.**_

It was heartbreaking but it made sense. Since the very beginning Reagan knew that Amy had been hiding things, keeping herself hidden. When Reagan wanted to talk Amy would play. When Reagan wanted to meet her friends, Amy would distract and win in doing so. Reagan was weak to let distraction win out every time. She had no way of knowing that this was the thing, the thing that Amy kept and hid.

It was true. Amy didn't lie.

She hid.

On purpose.

She hid.

There were always little things that Amy did. Signs of this. Screaming warnings that Reagan had chosen not to hear or feel or see.

Reagan felt weak but not too weak. She felt duped but not too duped. She'd do it again in a heartbeat because, at the time, Amy had been something she needed. But now?

She kissed her and though the kiss was fire, she fought off her own want. From what she knew, it could easily be their very last time.

Without meaning to she started to cry and pushed her away.

Amy stopped, falling onto her body and holding her in tight.

"I'm sorry," she said, holding her. Reagan had Amy's head in her hands and she was holding her to her, keeping her there. "I'm so sorry," Amy tried.

But what could Rae say? Or do?

Amy was younger… Innocent…

This was all new to her.

Of course she'd mess it up…

Reagan knew she should've known. She should've seen.

As Amy held her, she felt what she had done and cried too.

She couldn't take it back.

She couldn't make it all just disappear or suddenly heal.

**Part IV**

Eventually, lying atop her wounded lover, Amy felt sick of herself, a destroyer of hearts. Reagan didn't cry long but she did keep holding her and wanting her there.

Karma came out of her room eventually and surprised them both. They sat up and Amy reached for her shirt but Reagan just stayed like she was. A bra was no different than a bikini top.

She looked to Karma apologetically and Karma met her gaze mournfully.

Karma walked to the front door and opened it looking out.

"What are you doing?" Amy asked nervously, throwing her shirt up and covering herself feeling unnecessary shame.

"I should've left last night," Karma said.

Reagan knew this already but she kept quiet.

"I can't leave now. The storm…" Karma turned to them in frustration and then looked down away. "I can't drive in this," Karma said, crossing her arms.

"Relax," Reagan said. She stood up and walked over to her. Something in her wanted to make her feel safe. "It's gonna be okay," she whispered to her, so that Amy couldn't hear, and wrapped her up in a hug to try and comfort her and make her feel safe.

Karma could feel Reagan's hand as it swam up into her hair lovingly and held at the back of her head, holding her in close oh so sweet.

"It isn't though," she whispered back feeling helpless.

"Shhh," Reagan said, taking her hand and walking her towards the kitchen.

Amy just watched, confused. All of a sudden it seemed that no matter what she did she was wrong, the odd man out.

Once Amy shut herself in her room Karma dropped her hand and turned to Reagan.

"Please, stop being nice to me," she said.

"No," Reagan pushed.

A loyalty had sprung from this random offshoot of confessions.

"Reagan…"

"Don't look at me like that," Reagan said. "Don't feel bad for me."

"I'm not," Karma said. "That's not what-." She cut herself short.

"That's not what?" Reagan asked, begging her to finish it and already knowing exactly what she would say. "If it's pity you're feeling you can stop," Reagan said. "I'm not an idiot. I knew Amy was keeping things I just didn't know what."

"I just feel like if I hadn't come you guys would be fine right now."

"'Til when?" Reagan asked, refusing to look away from her. She found it necessary to examine her like this, make her address herself. Karma wasn't like Amy, she wouldn't hide from her or push her away. The only thing Karma hid from was herself.

Speaking of which, Karma hadn't thought about that question before. The future was always just a little too far away and definitely impossible to predict. It didn't have a shape or projection. All she could see was a future like today.

"I'm glad it's happening this way," Reagan said.

"Why?" Karma asked, more confused than she ever could be..

"At least this way she's not cheating."

"Oh…" Karma said, remembering the story that Rae had told. "I don't think Amy would do that," Karma tried. "She's a good person," Karma reminded.

"Good people do stupid things all the time," Reagan said. For instance, dating and sleeping with someone when you're in love with someone else. Reagan felt sick from it. It was stupid.

Since it was odd and the room felt too quiet, Karma turned to the fridge and began to pull stuff out.

"Will you just stop?" Reagan asked, pulling Karma back by the hand to get her to face her.

"I don't know what to do. I have to do something. I can't just stand here."

"You're trying to run and you can't, okay?" Reagan asked, laying it out.

Karma stood before her, vulnerable.

Reagan couldn't help it, she wanted to try something, just see. She took a step towards Karma and cupped her face with her hand.

Before Karma could register what was about to happen Reagan took a short shaky breath in and fell the rest of the way to tenderly kiss her.

The room spun for the both of them. It wasn't just taste or touch, it was more than that, a whole world more that they'd ever thought about until now. In between them they somehow felt Amy. It was like being on a roller coaster at night when you don't know when you'll rise or flip or fall and the cold night air is racing you and everything feels so fresh and wild and enticing. The kiss just felt unreal like that, an epic freefall.

Karma felt her mouth opening wide as Reagan fought for her and tangled up in her taking a kiss that tasted dangerous like a disaster.

Reagan kissed her and Karma smiled feeling breathless. She felt herself grow weak and fall into the kiss. Wanting more of that dizzying feel.

Reagan held her and took. She wanted to know exactly how sensitive Karma was, how lost she felt, how ready for something like this. She hadn't noticed it though, how she was falling too, how the rollercoaster ride was hers to take and she was on it all the same whether or not she actually wanted to be, she was stuck in it there, happily stuck.

Every turn of her tongue told a new tale with a new form of wanting and sadness. Karma wasn't just lost, she was broken, in need. She was tender and tenderness bred tenderness, there just was no way around that.

Reagan yearned for her all of a sudden, taking more than she would have if this had just been an innocent test or experiment. She was vulnerable too, she realized, and all too late. Kissing her was like kissing someone knew, someone who could help her too.

"Shit," Reagan said, pulling away too late, her eyes closed. She hadn't been expecting that, not at all. And she'd already felt it, that tug.

"Wh-ah-why'd you do that," Karma asked completely dazed, her eyes slow to open and see the woman before her, the woman she had never thought to kiss, not ever. _Reagan Reagan Reagan_, her head spun and she understood why Amy was with her. Suddenly everything was Reagan. She was holding Reagan's arms and she didn't even know when that started or how to stop.

A craving took hold of them both.

They were so wrapped up in one another they didn't even see that Amy had come back out of her room looking adorably sad and wearing her soft pj's.

Seeing them just before the kiss, during, and after, Amy didn't know what to say. She stopped dead, one hand clutching her stomach.

If she could she'd disappear.

Somehow that never seemed to actually be an option.

Instead, and without her meaning to, her mouth opened and she released a small desperate gasp.

The two turned and saw.

She had seen.

That much was true.


	4. Chapter 4

_*the promo kicked me in the butt so here is the long awaited chapter four*_

**Chapter Four**

**Would I Spend Forever Here And Not Be Satisfied?**

**Part I**

Stunned. Hurt.

Amy turned from them, confused, with tears rushing her. She had already been through the ringer. She had already been through enough.

Wasn't it bad enough that she felt wrong all the time?

Wasn't it bad enough she felt guilty towards the both of them?

Now what was happening?

What on earth was this new level of hell?

She turned and ducked into her room, barely making it onto the bed as the tears rushed her and swallowed her up unmercifully.

She hit the bottom of the bed and gave up, sliding down it.

Before, with Karma, she had been trying to hold back but confusion bit at her.

Now it was no use. Confusion, terror, panic, it all ate her up and took her down to the floor where she sat crumbling and alone.

Nothing was her fault. None of this was her fault. And what was happening now? Was she going to lose them both to each other? What the fuck was happening?!

She had seen what she had seen.

Karma and Reagan.

Reagan and Karma.

Karma's hand at Reagan's neck.

Sweet lips on sweet lips.

Karma falling into her.

Reagan doing that thing where you can tell she's losing it too.

WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!

And to see it? From across the room?

And to top it all off?

Reagan wasn't even wearing a shirt! She never put it back on! What the fucking hell?!

Amy cried, hiding her face from herself. What she had seen had been THAT upsetting. She was so overtaken by her emotions that she didn't even notice when Karma and Reagan both ran into the room after her.

Before long they were in the room with her, helping her, lifting her up onto the bed and holding her together.

Amy felt it as Reagan picked her up from behind and pulled her up to lay onto Karma who was also tugging for her to come up and join her on the bed, let her hold her, let her be sorry.

If Reagan hadn't been there it would be just like the many other times Amy cried onto Karma. But Reagan was there so it was different.

Reagan held a hand at Amy's waist and let her own forehead fall into the soft warm back of her girlfriend's neck.

"It's okay," she said, to calm her.

Amy was holding Karma. She was on-top of Karma.

Karma turned her face into Amy's and let her lips rest on Amy's forehead so that she could kiss it softly.

"I'm sorry," Karma said, her lips brushing Amy's forehead as she did so. "I'm such an idiot."

What had happened? What was happening?

It was all a blur… Honestly it was.

Reagan felt a tug from inside of herself, despite it all she wanted to kiss Karma again and that feeling had just sprung up from nowhere, a small beautiful flower breaking the surface and blooming in full alone on a plain of vast soil, moist as can be. Something about the connection Karma had with Amy was insanely romantic and it called to her.

It was specifically confusing given the fact that she'd just found out about Amy, just found out about the secrets that sorta killed their relationship and cut it into shreds. Wanting to kiss Amy was always a given, even now, but still…

Karma looked up at Reagan and Reagan gazed back at her unsure of how to feel.

"It's okay," Reagan said again. This time she said it while she was staring at Karma. A flash of something passed between them and Karma let her eyelids slowly close and open again. She didn't deserve tenderness. She never felt she could deserve such a thing…

When Karma let her eyes fall again Reagan pulled Amy's hair back from in front of her shoulders and she began to kiss her sweetly in places she knew that Amy liked.

Karma watched, feeling things. When Amy reacted so did she. She felt Amy's hand slide across her own stomach as Reagan kissed her neck and incited that bit of passion in her.

"It's okay," Reagan kept saying sweetly.

But Amy wasn't sure. What was okay? What?

She moved her hand from Karma's stomach to hold behind her at Reagan's neck and keep her near.

Karma kept watching them, witnessing them, as Reagan suddenly looked up at her while kissing Amy's neck.

"Fuck," Karma said, locking eyes with Reagan and realizing where she was and what exactly was happening. She wasn't just an innocent bystander anymore. When Reagan locked eyes with her she felt things stir within her. And feeling things for Reagan? It made Karma notice… She was feeling things for Amy too. Urges… Strong ones…

She'd been denying for so long and now it was just painful to be in this room with the two of them, painful to deny deny deny.

It wasn't just Reagan's eyes Karma saw just then, but Amy's too which were closed tight in near pain as Reagan kissed her.

Amy wasn't feeling pain, not really.

Karma knew. She was suddenly awake to everything, all at once, wide fucking awake.

It was pleasure Amy felt.

Pleasure.

"I-I should leave you alone," Karma tried.

When she tried to move though Amy tugged at her to stay, moving her hand back and trapping her beneath her arm.

Karma felt as Amy actually hugged her with the whole of her body.

"Stay," Amy asked. Right after doing so she moved her hand back to pull Reagan's body closer to her and take her hand.

No one was going anywhere, not right now.

Karma wanted to talk but she couldn't.

What would she say?

_**Stop. Please. I'm feeling things?**_

The trouble was, she hadn't noticed at first. Okay, she noticed something. But it wasn't until the kiss that she knew exactly what it was she was feeling.

And now that she knew? It was enough to make her panic.

It was attraction. Plain as day.

Arousal.

Need.

All the things she was supposed to feel for Liam?

She'd felt that for Amy too when they kissed during the threesome and pretty much consistently as this roving undercurrent she had decided to downplay and ignore. The threesome kiss had been a red-flag though, unavoidable, mounted in stone. A flag she had ignored because the situation had already been charged.

I mean, she didn't know what it was at the time cause it was different but she did feel it. She just chalked it up to the situation because that wasn't her.

Was it?

It _**was**_different.

But while she was going through her own heated panic, Reagan and Amy were growing closer, the heat from their confusion urging them to just touch and shut all the thoughts out at least for a little while. Amy had taken Reagan's hand and squeezed it but it didn't help things or solve any problems. Reagan impatiently breathed into Amy's hair, wanting her, and hoping this wouldn't be the last time she could hold her like this.

Despite all reason, neither of them wanted to leave or move or speak. If anything they wanted to be closer.

Karma was the only one feeling panic as they were all too close and growing hungry for a bit more touching.

**Part II**

They all laid there a while trying to calm and pretend they weren't getting nervous from the near stillness.

The whole time, Karma was on fire and trying not to be.

Every now and then Reagan would plant a gentle kiss at Amy's neck or look over at Karma curiously feeling that tug of something, that hint of lingering fire from before and Karma's eyes stealing electric glances that sent shivers down her spine.

"What .. Ah… What happened?" Amy randomly spoke once the silence had been too much.

"Hmm?" Karma asked, distracted and looking down at her.

"I wanted to kiss her," Reagan said, surprising them both.

"Why?" Karma asked. It was funny because Amy was the one who was going to ask it, she just didn't have enough time.

"I dunno," Reagan confessed. "It's just been a strange week and you kept trying to leave and nothing made sense and… It just. It made sense to kiss you," Reagan said in her usual slow and well-paced manner. There was a certain cadence to how she spoke. She was musical without even trying, Karma noticed it and tried not to think about how lovely it was.

"I thought you loved Amy," Karma said.

"I do," Reagan reminded, looking down at her girl and gripping tighter on her hand.

"Oh," Karma said. But that answer obviously wasn't enough for her.

She looked down at Amy and noticed that she was staring back at her, watching her and waiting for her reaction.

"What'd it feel like," Amy asked when the reaction did not come, a small smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth.

She was watching Karma and she noticed her growing blush.

"It felt nice," Karma said shakily, looking up at Reagan and seeing that she was smiling too.

It suddenly didn't feel odd at all to be tangled up together so close like they were. Amy's words were sorta necessary to calm them all.

"Just nice?" Amy asked.

"More than nice," Karma confessed refusing to look at either of them.

"Was it like-" Amy cut herself off and her smile instantly faded. She was going to ask if it was like the threesome. Something about that kiss had felt surprising real to her. It was the only kiss she had with Karma that actually felt real.

"What?" Reagan asked, noticing.

"Nothing," Amy said, smiling and trying to relax.

Karma looked down at Amy and knew what she had wanted to know.

She knew what Amy wanted just as she knew that the answer would be different.

_**No**_, she thought.

_**No**_, the kiss with Reagan wasn't like the kiss at the threesome.

_**Why not?**_ She thought to herself in her mind. _**Because it was with you…**_

That thought softened her so much that she didn't know how to rise up and become solid again.

Karma stared down at Amy. She felt vulnerable. She searched Amy's eyes and wanted to answer her but didn't know how.

"Kiss her," Reagan said. She had been watching Karma's face and practically seeing as the thoughts danced through Karma's head.

"What?" Amy laughed, turning around to face her.

"She wants to," Reagan said, speaking to Amy for Karma.

"No I don't," Amy lied, speaking for herself and misinterpreting the whole thing.

"Wait…" Karma said, pretending to be offended. "You don't want to kiss me?" After all they had just been through? The thought was, it was laughable.

"Shut up," Amy urged, Karma wasn't helping.

"Just do it," Reagan said, smiling at Karma and using her hand to pinch playfully at Karma's elbow. She wanted to see it. She wanted to see what it was that made them so uncomfortable around each other.

"Fine," Karma said, leaning down and kissing her fast. It was meant to be a small peck, a small show, but something happened near the beginning, Amy tasted sweet like kindness and familiar like safety. On top of those things was a new rush that Karma could just taste the beginning of. It was like when you're in a car and someone slams on the gas but you're not expecting it and you feel your body fly and there's no stopping it and your stomach jumps and you can't stop it.

Amy let Karma try and she felt as she let her own mouth fall just a bit more open to let her in.

This wasn't like their old kisses, not even close.

There was more there this time and Karma reached for it, her eyes shutting tight because she wanted to hold it and keep it and never stop feeling it, that feeling. Suddenly her dreams were making sense.

"Uhh," Karma moaned unexpectedly, her body rising beneath Amy's and surprising her.

"Whoa," Reagan said. She'd been watching on and at this point she knew she should be upset but the upset train had already come and gone.

"Wow," Amy said as Karma had to push herself away from her friend with a hand at Amy's collarbone willing herself to let go and just stop.

"I told you," Reagan said. She'd been watching them ignore each other for days and this was why. This was obviously why.

"Shit," Karma said, her head rolling back to land on her pillow and rest.

She held her head and felt her mind swim.

Butterflies scrambled inside of her from that kiss.

"So…" Reagan said, breaking the silence again, though the breathing in the room had certainly gone up in volume. "How did that feel?" Reagan asked, knowing the answer.

Karma didn't answer, she just shook her head and rolled over onto her side to pull Amy in to kiss her again. Amy was suddenly a drug to her and she needed her.

"I guess I've got my answer," Reagan said, watching and waiting. Karma tugged at her and Amy tugged back, the painful pleasure so real on her face. "Besides," Reagan said, real close to Amy's ear arousing her even more. "I think it's better this way."

Amy felt as Reagan slid in closer to her and licked at her neck while Karma kissed her.

Pleasure racked Amy's body as she felt held and taken, no longer filled with guilt or worry or shame.

She whimpered in Karma's mouth and felt as Karma stole that whimper away, hiding it for her, keeping it.

"Good girl," Reagan whispered, sending shivers down Amy's body, they were familiar words, words Reagan only used when they were fucking.

"Shit," Amy said, pushing Karma away to finally let herself breathe.

Amy turned to face Reagan and kiss her. And when Karma didn't cling to her, Amy reached back and pulled Karma by the hand to press up on her as Reagan had done.

"Touch me," Amy begged, placing Karma's hand on her own skin and forcing her.

Reagan tugged at Amy's neck and pulled her face close to kiss her. There was a trace of Karma on her tongue and Reagan liked it because she remembered.

It was exciting. Somehow more.

All Amy felt now was gratefulness. A few minutes ago she thought she'd be losing them both but now here they were, holding her, touching her.

It didn't make sense but it didn't matter. Not right now.

"Don't stop," Amy begged breathily as Reagan moved to kiss at her neck and touch her.

For Reagan the touching made more sense than the talking, especially now. She let her hand fall onto Karma's side and slide up her skin.

Karma shuddered with the smell of Amy's hair all about her and Reagan's soft hand reaching up on her body.

Amy turned again between them and pulled Karma's lips into hers this time taking the kiss instead of accepting it, this time hungry for her and knowing that Karma was weak for her now, so fucking weak.

Karma didn't know what was going on but she knew that for once that feeling actually seemed to be okay.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

What Is This…

**Part I**

It was so sudden but she didn't have time to think.

_**What was happening?**_

Amy couldn't think on it, she just couldn't.

She pulled Karma in to kiss her and she nearly drank from her, that's how fulfilling it was.

All this time with Reagan she'd be trying to forget this. All this time she'd been trying to forget just how good it felt to kiss Karma like this.

Reagan teased at the pulse-point on her neck and Amy felt herself grow weak and lose strength in the kiss. But it didn't matter because where Amy had fell, Karma had traded her in need and taken to needing even more.

It'd been a while since Karma had a hook-up. This wasn't that, obviously, this was so much more but still. Her skin crawled and every touch was intense.

A hand brushed down Amy's side and she just knew it was Reagan's.

"How's it feel," Reagan whispered, knowing full well how it _**must**_ feel to her sex-starved friend. Amy was so easy. Reagan could have her begging in just seconds so with Karma here it must've felt delicious for her, overwhelming in every way. Suddenly all the pieces of the puzzle had come together. Reagan knew what was missing and what was wrong. Amy was in love still. Likewise, she wanted them both.

"Oh fuck me! Don't tease," Amy begged, a little anger in her whimper. All the long touches and the soft whispers, Amy knew when Reagan was teasing. And Karma was here this time to see how they actually were. Karma was a part of that now whether she wanted to be or not. Amy had barely broken from Karma's kiss to speak and when she did Karma gasped for air greedily before pulling Amy's lips back into hers again and tasting her as if brand new.

"Mmmmm," Reagan hummed, she had a second to glance over and see Karma's eyes shut tight in that greedy kiss. She couldn't lie to herself, after the mystery surrounding Karma Ashcroft and then the last few days with her, Reagan was attracted to her and to her and Amy's dynamic, she was unexpectedly turned on and surprisingly _**not**_ upset about things because at least now they made sense. "Fuck," Reagan spoke without meaning to, and right into Amy's ear.

Feeling nothing but pleasure, Karma smiled into her kiss with Amy and felt a need to be touched by her somehow more. It was like there wasn't enough for her and there never could be. That's what she felt. A sharp, obvious, pang of: _**I need you. I need you more!**_

And, Oh, God, did it scare her.

"What are we doing?" Karma asked nervously, trying to stop and perhaps laugh it off. She broke from Amy and tried to downplay how it felt and how crazy it was to give in after everything they'd put each other through.

"Please," Amy begged, entirely in the moment. Desperate for her and unable to let that go now that it was here and happening and real. She didn't have to transport herself to some other time to enjoy a Karma kiss. She never could've seen this coming but it was here and it was happening. Those wheels could not roll backwards or find some other track to ride. She wanted it to happen and she knew, she'd known all along, that somehow Karma wanted it too. This trip did nothing but confirm that. Karma was different out here. Karma was feeling more than she ever felt. It was all so obvious.

Karma sat up suddenly and let her legs swing off of the bed.

"I-I have to stop," she said. Something in her was defensive and scared. She got up and left the room.

Amy felt her heart sink as she lay there in Reagan's arms on the bed.

Reagan pulled her in and licked at her neck, causing Amy's eyes to close as the taste of Karma still lingered on her tongue and she savored it in Reagan's arms.

All these days in the cabin. All these days with all this unnecessary but obvious tension between them two…

"Are you going to go or should I?" Reagan asked. It was clear they needed to talk to her. Reagan would do it, she didn't fucking care. They were stupid to try and avoid this. This was a good thing. As far as Reagan was concerned.

"I don't know," Amy said sadly. She turned onto her back and stared up at the girl who had unwittingly followed her into this mess.

Reagan didn't deserve any of this shit. She didn't deserve to be chasing Karma around and fixing Amy's problems. She deserved love and nothing but.

"What?" Reagan asked.

"I love you," Amy said, letting it all go and just reveling in the pleasure of her as she stared up at her openly. Amy was suddenly stricken with the notion that this had all happened because of Reagan and there was no other way for it to go. It could not have happened without her, it could only of happened with her. Reagan pushed it to happen because she felt it, she felt what Amy was needing and she pushed Amy to at least try and take it.

"Hmmm," Reagan hummed, staring down at her young lover. "I'm not so sure about that."

"I am," Amy said, moving a hand to the side of Reagan's face and watching as Reagan turned into that hand and kissed it with nothing but affection on her mind.

"I'll go," Reagan said, deciding it. Amy was too sensitive to put Karma in the place she needed to be in. Karma needed to be taught or tugged into place.

"Fine," Amy sighed, overwhelmed by it all and ready to collapse. She'd gotten what she'd wanted. She'd gotten to show Karma love and feel that she wasn't hurting Reagan all at the same time. It was an odd sort of contentment that she felt alone in an old familiar place. She tucked her hands between her legs and felt how much she wanted Karma now that she knew that Karma really did arrive where she needed to be at long last.

Amy stayed still while Reagan moved away and left the room.

Alone on the bed where she never slept before this year Amy was certain now that her love was real, and for both of them. Karma had returned her love. And whatever was happening between Karma and Reagan? Amy was okay with it, she really was. They were all confused, not just her anymore. Whatever was happening? It needed to happen. She let out a sigh and smiled big into her pillow before groaning to let out her frustration.

**Part II**

Karma walked into her room and shut the door. She barely had time to hold her face with her hands and try and stretch away the thoughts of the kisses just now and how incredible they felt before Reagan knocked and asked if she could come in.

She hesitated a moment and then said sure.

Reagan swung her way carefully into the room, shutting the door behind her and turning around.

"What's wrong?" Reagan asked, unable to resist. She walked close to Karma and guided her hand along Karma's forearm, barely touching her but touching her all the same and in such a way that Karma ached for her touch somehow but she couldn't speak of it because she didn't know what it would mean.

"I can't do that," Karma said. She was obviously stressed out. "I can't do that with her," _**how silly, how strange**_, Reagan thought. She felt a smile tease her lips and for Karma's sake she twitched it away.

"Why not?" Reagan asked, needing for Karma to see.

"It's not right," she said, nervously.

"You're shaking," Reagan said, reaching out and tugging on Karma so that she'd fall into her arms.

Once Reagan had her she shut her eyes and breathed her in. "Don't you see what's happening? You're in love with her."

"I can't be," Karma said.

"You can," Reagan pushed, moving her mouth to Karma's forehead and kissing it. "And I saw," Reagan pushed, feeling heavy, she ran her hand under Karma's shirt and touched at her skin hearing as Karma let out a small sound as she brushed her thumb across her hip-bone and pushed. "She loves you, you know?"

For Karma, it was strange. Reagan could touch her but Amy couldn't? Why was this okay? She liked Reagan, the way she took care. She liked how calm she was and how much she could calm her likewise. With Amy it was like Karma had no control. But with Reagan Karma felt taken care of. How strange.

"She loves you," Karma tried. Reagan's thumb on her hip bone was making her feel dizzy with pleasure. Reagan knew all the right places to touch.

"No," Reagan laughed, moving a hand to Karma's neck and pulling away to look at her. "She's always loved you more than she could ever love me," it was a sad thing to confess. It was also a thing Reagan had been feeling in secret for a very long time. "To her, you're everything," Reagan spoke semi-worried for her uncertain future. It hurt to think that after this week it could all be over with Amy, just done. "I used to feel safe about it though," Reagan confessed. She used to think that Karma was just clueless in a way. But underneath she saw it even in the few chances she had to watch Amy and Karma be near each other. It was hard to tell herself it was just in her head. And she was done with that now. It was obviously _**not**_ just in her head.

"I like when you touch me," Karma said, her eyes fluttering as tears fell.

"I know," Reagan smiled, coming back into the now. She brushed a tear from Karma's cheek and leaned in, kissing her sweetly. Karma's lips shook against her own. "I like when you touch me too," she said, pulling Karma in to hug her again and resting into her.

Karma breathed her in and tried to quiet her mind.

"What'd it feel like?" Reagan asked, distracted.

"I dunno," Karma lied, holding onto Reagan's skin. "Like she was everything I could lose…"

"Yikes," Reagan said, her hand traveling flat on Karma's back and feeling her. "That good huh?"

"That good," Karma said, savoring the memory and shutting her eyes to feel it with her entire being.

What a joke to feel so much pain in loving someone.

"I love her," Reagan confessed, commiserating.

"I'm sorry," Karma said, nestling her eyes into Reagan's neck and holding her tighter.

"It's not your fault." All Reagan could feel was how badly Karma was still shaking. "You don't want to feel what you're feeling," Reagan said. "I get that."

"What?"

"You're scared," Reagan said, giving the problem a name. She dipped her lips to Karma's neck and kissed it, sending shocks through Karma's body.

Before it would've made sense for Karma to hold back because Amy was _**with**_ someone. But now? To hold back now? There had to be something else to it. And there was...

Karma had said that much without meaning to. Having it out there though, having another person who could see it and feel it? That was different.

"No," Karma tried. She felt injustice in the assumption. "That's not it, that's not why I-"

"Shhh," Reagan said, gliding her fingers up Karma's arm and watching as goosebumps appeared.

"I'm not scared of you," Karma said, and this part was truthful.

"I know," Reagan said, a small laugh escaping her as she rocked Karma lovingly in her arms to calm her. It had never been Reagan's fault, the awkwardness or the tension.

"You make me feel safe," Karma said, still misunderstanding. "This whole trip would've been completely different if you hadn't come," Karma was solemn and trying not to feel pain. The shaking had gotten to a certain point. There was no stopping it. Her emotions needed to run their course. She felt herself pressing into Reagan. She felt her body trying to calm without hope.

"I didn't say you were scared of me," Reagan reminded, moving a hand onto Karma's neck and touching her skin to hers lovingly. Karma shut her eyes and tried to concentrate on Reagan's touch.

"What are we even doing?" Karma asked, exhausted in her confusion.

"I don't know about Amy but…. I hate seeing you like this," Reagan said. Karma opened her eyes and noticed that Reagan was staring at her.

"I'm sorry," Karma said. In the beginning of the trip her mind-set had been to hide away and try not to think about her feelings. But now things were escalating.

"Don't say that to me," Reagan said, parting her lips with intention and noticing that Karma's parted too when seeing hers part.

"I-" Karma knew it was coming again, she knew Reagan was going to kiss her and she felt weak.

But Reagan's lips met hers and Karma felt that soft tongue taste sweetly and she was a goner. Whole worlds of sense were being made. It wasn't like when Karma was with Liam. Liam would kiss her and Karma would just wait and wonder if she was doing it right or well or good and sometimes she'd know because Liam would make a sound or do a thing. It was hardly ever about feelings though from her side. With him it was more trial and error. She rarely felt lost.

With Reagan though? She would lose herself. There wouldn't be thoughts.

Reagan kissed her sweetly and tried to remind her that it was all okay. This wasn't her fault, not any of it. And kissing Karma felt nice because it wasn't about staying with her forever or finding someone she could trust. Kissing Karma was letting go and just feeling. Kissing Karma was connecting with this important person in her life, this important mysterious person that until now she couldn't know.

"I dunno why I keep doing that," Reagan said, exhaling fast and resting her forehead onto Karma's as her heart sped-up.

Also, breathless, Karma felt her head spin and her heart pound. She'd thought about what it would be like to have a girlfriend. She'd even thought about what it would be like to be with Reagan but this was… This was better, much better. Reagan took all of Karma's nasty thoughts and somehow erased them for her every time she moved to touch.

"I don't want you to stop," Karma said truthfully, wishing her thoughts could be gone forever. With Reagan it was just feelings and no thinking. It didn't matter that Amy was in the next room or that tomorrow it could all be a footnote. Now was the important thing. Reagan kept her in the now and she didn't know how she did that but she did.

"Yeah?" Reagan asked, her mouth twitching into a half smile.

"Please?" Karma asked, needing a distraction from all the confusing crap.

Reagan backed away from her and scared her a little. "Take off your clothes," Reagan said.

"What?" Karma asked.

"Just do it," Reagan pushed. This was ending here. Or beginning? Whatever, it was happening. "You need this," Reagan said softer. And she seemed sure. That surety convinced Karma somehow and she knew it right away.

Karma had gone a long time without sex. Reagan could tell and that alone could be half of her problem.

But then, also, Reagan knew that Karma liked being touched by her and that it calmed her when she did it. Even just talking to her? Reagan calmed her with just her voice.

She stood there before her and laughed.

"Here," she said, walking forward with a small grin on her face.

Karma had been stunned just there. She wasn't really good at trying to do the things she actually wanted deep down.

Reagan moved her fingers to the hem of Karma's shirt and she pulled it up and off of her. Karma's chest heaved as she felt naked in the room and ready to feel. For once, it was finally her turn to shut her brain off and just feel.


	6. Chapter 6

*lol yall know i don't care about _when_ i write and _when_ i post. i seriously had that sitting in a folder. someone mentioned missing it and i was like "which one is that again?" hahaha SORRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY*

*secret-monkey: bahahahahaha who you cheatin' on readin' this? i like that ;) also the main reason i stopped writing this was because i didn't know what reagan would do and that bothered me hahaha i didn't want to mess up her character… but faking it did that for us regardless so i guess i never really should've been worried about that in the first place, blah...*

*sarcasticaf: i think i'm making a living out of constantly confusing you hahahaha*

*title = lyrics from Heaven Knows by Jenny and the Mexicats*

**Chapter 6**

**I'm On Fire, Let Me Burn…**

Karma sighed.

"Can we have music or something?" She asked, trying to distract Reagan from what she had asked her to do.

"Fine," Reagan said, supportively. She didn't care. They had all week to do whatever. This trip was going to be a turning point for everyone. They already knew that going in. Though, none of them really knew how drastic this trip would be in terms of changing things until now.

Reagan watched as Karma walked to her phone, fiddled about and found a playlist. Karma pressed a few things and set her phone down.

Music began to flow from her phone. Karma looked up at her. "Okay," she said. "Can you help me?" She asked, her voice breaking. She was still too shaky from kissing Amy and letting herself kiss her back. She was sober. There were no excuses today. That was really the scariest thing.

Karma's mind flashed back to how innocent they both seemed two years ago. Karma tried to put herself back in that bold space where she could just try for a threesome and let the chips fall where they may. She was a different person now though, so different. And playing with Amy seemed cruel. Until now she couldn't let herself try. And of course now it seemed fundamentally wrong to even let herself cross that line.

With Reagan though? That was still play right? That was okay? Karma wondered.

It'd be completely different if it were just Karma and Amy alone in a room. Karma and Amy alone in this room where they used to sleep together on winter family trips. Karma looked about the room as Reagan came close to her, reminding her that it was time to let go and just try.

Hearing little, and wondering what was going on, Amy got up from the bed in the other room and walked to Karma's door. It was slightly closed but she peeked inside and saw that Reagan was approaching Karma and kissing her neck. Karma's eyes were closed as Reagan took her hand to Karma's bra-stap and slipped it gingerly aside, kissing Karma's shoulder where it once was.

Amy felt herself take in air and swallow fast. She pushed the door open slowly. She couldn't watch them, it hurt too much.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

Karma felt caught. She held her bra back up and covered herself. Reagan turned and stuck out her hand. "Come 'ere," she said to Amy, inviting her. "We need you."

Hesitant, Amy walked into the room where Karma was close to naked and the music that played sounded weepy and romantic, it was one of Karma's playlists for sure.

This room was a firm staple of Amy's childhood. This was the room where she and Karma slept together on their winter vacations. They'd huddle up beneath the covers and read stories out loud, holding each other, while they laughed or feared or trembled or cried. Those years when Amy's dad didn't come see her for her birthday, these trips were extra important. The closeness between the girls in those years was unforgettable. Amy spent many nights in this bed holding her friend and kissing her shoulder without thinking what that all meant.

Stepping into the room and seeing Karma, Amy couldn't stop herself thinking that this was their space, only theirs.

Karma's eyes were stormy, she was more than nervous, she was busting at the seems, unsure of whether or not she should be letting herself try. What if it didn't work? What if after everything Karma was sure she couldn't be with her ever? The fear was so real. It scared Karma more than anything ever could. Losing Amy was the worst fear of all.

Amy saw how scared she was. She locked her eyes with Karma's a breathed shakily, approaching her with a question in her eyes more than anything else. She wanted to ask her,_** Are you okay?**_

"Come on," Karma said, cutting her thoughts off and giving her permission.

"Stand behind her," Reagan said, pulling Amy close.

This was their chance to try it all. As a trio they had the right ingredients suddenly. This was a chance that probably wouldn't come along again. If passed it would change things for sure. Karma was ready. Reagan was smart. And Amy was patient.

The music played as Amy walked close to Karma and moved her hands down to Karma's waist to comfort her and be close like they were at Prom before everything got crazy. It only took a few seconds for Amy to notice that the song that was playing was the same as the one Karma had sang a few nights before. there was soft trumpet and Amy felt those words again. They meant something even more now.

_**Wait a while… 'Cause heaven knows how much I… I might've been loved...**_

"Get close," Reagan said, looking up at Amy with a determined glare. Amy thought of her mom every time she took Amy and Karma somewhere and needed a picture.

_**Get close…**_ The same words hit her brain and bounced back until Amy let out a deep breath without meaning to and showed her soft nervous smile. There was nothing scary about this. There really shouldn't be. But they both feared about touching each other wrong. They were both scared to be close now, scared to mean more. They already meant so much. How could they possibly mean more?

Yet… They did. Every second. Every second they meant more and their actions meant more. All the things they couldn't do meant more. All the things they hadn't talked about and the looks they shouldn't have made.

Reagan was doing everything right to get Amy what she wanted. She was done thinking about a future with her the second Karma blurted that stuff out about Amy and Liam. She still loved her though and they still had chemistry. They might get through it. But Karma and Amy were meant to be. There was no telling where they would be once this week came to a close but from what Reagan could guess she'd be gone from this and they'd stay true. She didn't want to think about that now though. Right now she wanted to see where she could lead these two and what they could feel.

She was so necessary right now. Without her the pair would probably never touch. Without her, they wouldn't speak or see or feel.

Reagan was putting herself aside for them. She was there but as a spirit, as a guide. She wanted Amy to know that all her thoughts about Karma were true, all her hopes were valid. It was odd to witness. Unmistakable. She wanted Amy to be honest for once and show her how she felt about all that.

Whether Karma knew or not was irrelevant now.

Karma felt her throat dry as Amy's warm body pressed up close to hers.

"Take your clothes off," Reagan said, moving her soft strong hand up to Karma's face but talking to Amy. She moved another hand to Amy's pants and tugged at them.

Karma felt Amy's body fall forward into her with Reagan's tug. She tried to buckle her knees and keep from falling but Reagan cut her anyway. She knew she couldn't turn around. She might freak out if she actually watched Amy strip after everything they'd been through.

Amy backed away and quietly shed her clothes for Reagan. Karma was too afraid to turn around. Reagan noticed and pulled her in. "It's fine," Reagan said, pulling Karma in and kissing her with love. "Stay with me," she said, looking Karma in the eyes, keeping her close and locking her there. "Just concentrate on me." Reagan had beautiful eyes that haunted Karma, and her lips were divine.

Karma nodded her head along and felt as tears came and spilled out from her eyes against her will.

She wanted it but it was hard. She hated that it was hard. It scared her. She didn't know why but it did. It wasn't Reagan, it was Amy. This was something they'd never done. This was the only thing they'd never done together and it was about to happen and Karma could feel that with every inch of her self. She could feel the uncertainty and the risk. So often Karma wondered why she ran out that time with Liam.

She knew why right now. It was all crystal clear. Seeing Amy kiss him… Seeing Liam kiss her… It was different than this. Karma had too many fears. And she wanted her then though she didn't know it at the time.

No wonder she ran...

"Good," Reagan said, breaking from Karma and motioning for Amy to come close and move to touch Karma again.

Karma let her hand fall and touch at Amy's bare thigh as her head twisted to the side just a bit and she felt Amy's chin on her forehead as Amy smelt her and held her too, her hands coming in to hold at her sides like it was all somehow right and normal.

And it did feel right. It felt too right. So much so that their heads spun separate without moving as they stood touching in front of Reagan in that room where air was tight all of a sudden and all the room in the world was too much to take.

"Good," Reagan said, watching them there and seeing. It was just as she thought. They'd been meant for this. She took her clothes off slow in front of them to distract and keep them from freaking out. They needed a distraction, some excuse for all of this.

Karma and Amy were both wrapped up in each other. All they could think or feel was that they were touching right now, every bit of their naked bodies were touching.

Karma sent a hand up to rub at Amy's neck. She needed to be touching her. Amy reacted instantly, loving the feel because this wasn't a friend touch and there was no way Karma could explain this away.

They felt on fire with desire.

They were too close.

Reagan watched, she knew what was going to happen.

She stepped away and took her time on purpose because she knew if she did Karma would go mad feeling vulnerable and exposed.

Amy moved her hand to Karma's hip and pinched lightly.

It seemed all along they'd been waiting to hold one another.

Just one tug, that's all it took. Karma turned into her, hugging Amy's naked body close and letting her head fall down on Amy's shoulder so that Amy would be holding her there naked with her.

"It's okay," Amy panted nervously. "It's just me," she said. All she could feel was Karma's body shaking up against her own. It scared her a little. She didn't want Karma to be doing anything she wasn't ready for. "We don't have to do anything," Amy said. "Are you okay?" She didn't want her forcing things and making herself sick.

Reagan moved in close behind Karma. Karma felt her body stiffen and Reagan took Karma's hand in her own and squeezed.

"She's fine," Reagan said, looking to Amy. "She's just scared."

Amy didn't know what to think.

Karma clung onto Amy's frame as if she never wanted to let go.

Reagan leaned in and kissed Amy lovingly over Karma's shoulder, pushing Karma even closer into her and loving the feel of her there between her and her lover just like she had always emotionally been.

"She needs to try it I think," Reagan said, running her hands up Karma's sides above Amy's that were still on Karma's lower-back and hips just gently resting to instill trust and remind of love.

Reagan dipped her head down and kissed at the space where Karma's neck met her shoulder.

"You okay?" She asked, making sure.

"Yeah," Karma said breathily, her eyes closed as she felt skin all about her and hands moving across her skin. "Yeah, you feel good," she said to both of them at once.

Amy looked down at Karma, wanting to see her eyes, but her eyes were closed.

Reagan watched Amy's eyes. 'Kiss her,' Reagan mouthed without sound. She was doing this for Amy. She was doing this because it needed to be done and both these girls were too scared to make the leap.

Amy took a deep breath in and obeyed.

Amy took a hand up and used two fingers to lead Karma's chin upward. She shut her eyes and kissed her again. She remembered before on the bed and how great it felt that Karma was kissing her all on her own and all again, this time for real.

As Amy kissing her and Reagan's hands roamed and their bodies helped her stand, Karma shook and gave in. It was almost like she was floating there somehow. Amy kissed her and her head swam and she felt light.

When Amy pulled away, Karma moaned in disappointment and felt weak.

Amy stared down and waited. Karma seemed so tender and scared right now and Amy wasn't sure if that was a good thing. Her eyes opened for a second and Amy saw. She took Karma's hand in her own and kissed her fingers. She loved her too much.

The eyes on her, now that was the hardest part. When Amy didn't move or close her eyes, Karma turned in place, finding Reagan's body and clinging to her to hide.

Upset and feeling strange, Amy quickly backed away. She bent down and grabbed her clothes and walked out.

"Was that so bad?" Reagan asked, she was rocking Karma in her arms, noticing how calm she was and how her shaking seemed to lesson with Amy gone. Karma's breathing was soft and the way she hugged her felt loving and safe.

"That was the best thing I've ever felt," Karma confessed, unsure of how to proceed.

"I knew you'd say that," Reagan smiled. She moved a hand down Karma's back to hold at her above her ass. "How do you think it'll feel when she touches you here?" Reagan asked. She let her hand slide down over Karma's ass and grab just beneath where Karma's ass met her thigh, she tugged ever so slight.

A small sound escaped Karma and Karma felt her sex suddenly begging for touch.

Reagan slid her hand down the back of Karma's thigh until her hand reached the soft crook behind Karma's knee and she yanked Karma's knee up fast by her side, pulling Karma's center into her hard and forming pressure for them both but mostly Karma who instantly gasped.

With pleasure, she was overcome. Both her hands had come up and rest against Reagan's collarbone to try and stop Reagan from pulling her in too hard. She couldn't find air as her forearms lay flat on Reagan's chest forming resistance. Without waiting, Reagan kissed her then, hard. She knew exactly how it would feel. Karma was like a doll in her arms and she was ready for her now, so ready.

The music kept playing and Reagan used it, pulling Karma in on a beat and watching as Karma's eyes shut up tight and her face looked pained from the pleasure she wasn't exactly expecting a few moments before.

To Karma this was painfully new. Sex with Liam was all mechanics and timing. A lot of times it was acting. Sometimes it was pain. Sex, for her, had been mostly about his pleasure.

This was different. Could she even call it sex yet? If she had time to think she'd say yes.

But time she did not have since all she was doing was feeling without thought. Reagan had her and she didn't even have to try.

Knowing she'd intrigued her, Reagan nearly carried Karma back to the bed and pushed her to sit. She leaned down into her, her hair covering up her face as she did. "I'm gonna check on Amy, okay?" She whispered soft in Karma's ear and felt as Karma let her cheek slide back away from her. Karma felt Reagan's hand leave her neck.

As Reagan walked away she heard Karma flop her back down onto the bed in near exhaustion. This was certainly a learning experience.

The music played on.


	7. Chapter 7

*reminder: m rating*

**Chapter 7**

_**You Gotta Love The House You're In**_

**Part I**

Reagan stepped out to find Amy. The snow came down outside of every window. The fire flared in the living room where no one was.

Karma got up and threw a thin robe about herself. She wandered into the kitchen and opened a new bottle of wine while she dazedly watched the snow come down outside. There was already a thick blanket of white on the ground. And the sky was white. White was everywhere. White was falling all around them in their bubble of a house full-up with flame. It was all like a dream.

Taking the glass to her lips, the wine tasted sweeter now. She savored every sip and closed her eyes dreamily, wrapped up in her robe.

The realization bathed her. Sex with women was going to be better.

_**But there's sex with women and then there's sex with Amy…**_ Karma thought.

For a long time now, in secret, Karma had been having these dreams. She'd wake up and feel wrong or dirty. Mostly because she knew she shouldn't be dreaming her dreams, not after everything they'd gone through up til now. The dreams were dreams like this though, dreams of kissing Amy, touching Amy, being with Amy, just like this. The dreams didn't start until Reagan popped into their lives. That had to mean something, it just had to.

Karma was grateful for Reagan's existence as she sat down on the couch in front of the fire and let the bite of the tannins and the crack of the burning wood alleviate her guilt.

**Part II**

In the other room, Amy was frantically trying to pack.

"What are you doing?" Reagan asked after seeing her and immediately shutting the door. She didn't want Karma to see.

Amy was throwing clothes from one of those teal-stained dressers into a duffle and getting ready to make a wordless break.

"We have to leave," Amy said. She was all riled up.

"What?"

"This is Karma. Karma does this."

"Amy, stop." Reagan walked to her and grabbed her wrist.

"You don't understand," Amy said shakily. "She's ruining us."

"No," Reagan sighed. There was way more to it than that. Reagan and Amy had never been in sync. They were good at the physical but everything else was a mess. Right now, after the confession and then the kiss in the kitchen, Reagan was sure this was all happening for a reason.

"If we all do what we were going to do in there…" Amy felt anger rattle her. She felt the aftershock of what she almost let herself do.

"What? What then?" Reagan asked, wanting to understand.

"It's Liam all over again," Amy cried, angrily, she was barely looking at Reagan to begin with but after her words she turned her eyes away. She couldn't take the thought that this might just be a one-time thing. She couldn't take that with Karma. She'd rather it not happen at all at this point.

"Okay," Reagan said, sitting down on the bed and pulling Amy back into her to make her sit down.

Amy laid her back onto the bed in frustration. Her instincts were telling her to run. Nothing like this with Karma had ever turned out good. Reagan hovered over her and moved Amy's hair away from her face as she studied her lovingly.

"Say you're right," she said, savoring the vision of her in that room lit only by the white of the falling snow outside. "What do we have to lose?" She searched those beautiful scared eyes.

Amy stared up at her and wished this trip could be easy.

"This," she said. _**And wasn't it obvious?!**_

"You've been lying to me for months," Reagan said, bitterness in her throat lingering only below the sweet taste of a needy Karma Ashcroft that beckoned her still. She looked down at Amy's hand in her own and wondered why her life had to be so complicated all the fucking time.

"Yeah. Because of this!" Amy stressed. "We've only been with her for a few days and look at what it's done to us."

"Okay, look," Reagan pushed. She could see how frustrated Amy was. "I'm already glad this trip happened," Reagan confessed.

"How can you be?" It was a tornado unto their relationship. How could Reagan be glad?

"You were keeping things from me Amy. Important things."

"What if we leave here and we're done?"

"Then we weren't meant to be," Reagan said simply. "I hate to say this but you're not the first girl to break my heart. And I already knew you were lying."

"Rae…" Amy's tears accelerated.

"It's not just about me anymore," Reagan said. "It's about you and her and us. It's about who we actually are and whether or not we actually want each other."

There was no more they could do to put it off or avoid it. Reagan caressed Amy's cheek with her hand, moving her thumb over Amy's bottom lip and hoping things could calm down.

"Either she's out of your life right now or we have to figure this shit out and I'd prefer we figure it out now."

There was no easy way to say the things that needed to be said. Amy had been living a shadow life with Reagan, a life filled with hidden secrets and dirty laundry building up and boxing them in.

"I can't be angry anymore," Reagan said. "It'll eat me up."

Reagan knew herself best. She shook in the reality of her last statement. She'd already been hurt far too much and lost more than any person should need to.

"Come on," Reagan urged. She felt solemn now, more sure of herself. She helped pull Amy back up and she kissed her hard. Consolation for her wasn't necessary. "We can't hide forever," she said.

Amy heard her. She felt sick with herself. Reagan said _**WE**_ but Amy knew she really meant _**YOU**_.

**Part III**

When they came out of the room Karma looked once but then turned back to the fire. Amy didn't seem too happy now and Karma noticed it right away. Plus, Karma had forgotten that Reagan was still naked. It was hard to stare because she knew she wanted her now and it excited her even to look.

"Good. Iiiii-dea." Reagan sang, pulling up behind Karma and taking the glass of wine from her hand.

She leaned in and drank, resting her elbow on the couch near Karma's head from behind. Karma felt her lovingly take her hair back and pet it down along the back of the couch. Reagan used a hand to massage Karma's bare neck and help to keep her feeling calm.

"I was just thinking I could do with a little wine," Reagan smiled. Karma felt the smile through her words.

Amy walked around the couch and sat down next to Karma. She sat as far away as she could possibly get. She was in an oversized sweater now. She'd thrown it on as soon as she hit her room and met herself with annoyance and shame.

Karma tried not to glance over at her. She couldn't take the site of her. Amy was too beautiful after all that absence and all her running.

_**The hell was she thinking?! This couldn't work. Obviously. Karma wouldn't be okay with this. Not in the long run.**_

Amy's thoughts were like bullets springing fast inside of her out from the barrel of an automatic gun. They hit her everywhere, constantly making wounds. She leaned forward and pulled the wine bottle from the coffee table, drinking straight from it.

"Wanna talk about it?" Karma noticed.

"Not really, no," Amy bit. She was pissed at her all of a sudden.

"Are you seriously mad at me right now?"

"Well, you did kiss my girlfriend in your kitchen, so yeah," she said, taking another swig of wine and letting the alcohol rush her.

"Slow down there, tiger," Reagan said, leaning over Karma to take the bottle away from Amy and stand away from her with it and steal her attention. "I'm pretty sure _**I**_ kissed _**her**_," Reagan corrected.

"Can you put some clothes on please?" Amy judged.

"I know you're not really mad," Reagan baited, watching her calmly. "You're scared." She stood, naked as ever, and took the bottle to her lips since she knew Amy was watching her and trying to keep it up with the whole act of anger.

Karma looked over, wounded, and saw Amy's face. Then she turned back to see Reagan.

"Maybe she's right," Karma smiled flirtatiously. "You are a little distracting," she openly gazed, scanning Reagan's form from her barefeet on up to her eyes. Once aware, she let out a shaky breath and turned back around to avoid being _**that**_ person.

"Fine, you both win for now," Reagan teased.

She walked out of the room taking the bottle.

Both the girls sat awkwardly next to each other. They had no wine right now and no Reagan to distract them.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" Amy asked. It was bubbling up inside of her.

"What?" Karma turned to look at her, she had the upset in her face, wrapped up in her robe. She already felt weird enough without this random burst of anger from her friend that was coming right off the heels of such tenderness and such love.

"Is this about Liam?" Amy felt all the old jealous feelings coming back up her throat. Karma hadn't been with him. But all of that still burned. Those feelings made her nauseous.

"What?!" Karma wasn't even sure what was in that girl's head. Here Karma was daydreaming about a life with Amy the whole time she was with Liam and now Amy offers up this?!

"You can't have sex with _**just**_ me? But with other people it's fine?"

"Whoa… Okay," Karma said, standing up. "But before we start this. Are you really sure you want to have this conversation?" She was standing near the fire and looking straight at Amy with the frightening precision of having a target on lock. Amy felt that glare on her hard. It was the first time in a long time Karma really let herself see her like before. "I was the one who walked out before Amy. It was me who couldn't do it. Or did you forget?"

"Yeah well, this time it was me."

"This isn't-" Karma shook a hand through her hair and tried to calm down before she said something she'd regret. She didn't want to be mad at her. This was the kind of thing that could end them. This was the kind of thing that made her scared to even be in that room two seconds ago. "This isn't that," she said desperately. "Whatever that was, with him," she emphasized. "That was wrong." It went without saying that Karma thought this now was right.

"How is it different?" Amy bit, unsure of her friend.

"It's about us," Karma said, stopping Amy's thoughts dead. Karma was saying just what Reagan had said in private just seconds before. "We've changed." Karma went on, but Amy was still stuck on that _**US**_. "I've changed," Karma sighed, moving to sit again because her muscles were tired from all the shaking.

"Yeah, took you long enough," Amy sighed, getting up. She didn't want to be calm right now. She wanted to freak the fuck out.

Reagan came out of Karma's room with a long shirt on and a lit cigarette hanging out of her mouth. She was in a, _**fuck it**_, sorta mood.

Amy was heading back to her room to try and pack again but Reagan approached her and stopped her lovingly with a hand at her neck and a whisper.

"Calm down," she advised. Amy was lit. Reagan could tell. "If you don't talk to her about this right now you never will."

The fact that Reagan was the one urging them to come to a head was so backwards to Amy it added fuel to her fire.

"I get it, okay?!" Karma stood up, turning toward both of them. "You think I don't know I fucked up?" She asked. "You think I don't know that with you, I _**ALWAYS**_ fuck up?! It's all I think about! Every day." She paused, tears rushing her. She wondered when the last day was that she didn't cry. She honestly couldn't say. It'd been so long that it hurt to think about. She looked up at the ceiling to try and fight off her sadness. "I know I never deserved you Amy. It's all I can think. Especially now. So if you wanna go? Believe… I get it."

Karma walked over to Reagan and took the bottle of wine from her. She was too upset with herself to deal with any of the real things they needed to talk about right now.

Reagan watched as Karma took the bottle and pulled her glass from the coffee table.

Karma poured a glass and laid down on her stomach. She drank a lit and laid her head down on her arms to hide her face and take a deep lonely breath on her rug before the fire.

"Will you look at her?" Reagan whispered. She pushed Amy's face over so that Amy would have to look.

"You're staying," Reagan ordered, pushing Amy toward the couch. "The problem with you two is that you're so used to being everything for one another you couldn't even imagine ending up in each other's bed."

It was an elephant in the room. Karma was almost shocked by the frankness of it and she couldn't say it was wrong. It wasn't wrong.

Amy had been ready for it once though. But things changed. They obviously had to.

"We've slept together," Amy said.

"That's not what I meant and you know it," Reagan said. There was no anger in Reagan. She was seeing things clearly despite whatever upset she was trying to bury deep down.

Reagan walked to the kitchen and took the jack off the counter, unskewing the top and taking it back with her to the couch. She took a swig and passed it to Amy.

"Here," she said, sitting so close she was almost on top of her.

Amy took the bottle reluctantly and swallowed hard.

"Guess we're getting drunk," she bitterly stated

"Believe me," Reagan said. "With you two the way you are, it's a good fucking idea. Trying to get you two together is like playing with magnets. There's so much attraction but right now you're trying to fight it."

They were too in their heads. Reagan wanted to pull them out. This was bullshit. What kind of people just do this to each other?!

THEY EVEN DRAGGED HER INTO IT!

"Karma just admitted to you that she knows she's been shit to you. Does that not mean anything to you?" Reagan asked.

"I don't want to talk about this here," Amy said, taking another sip and staring down at Karma with a bit of bitterness still in her because it was easy to be bitter it felt better than admitting that YES she did want to fuck her, yes she did.

"I don't want to be in the dark," Reagan said. "But that meant nothing to you."

She stole the bottle of jack and got up.

Karma stiffened as she felt Reagan approach her and lay down by her side.

"How you doin'?" Reagan asked. She propped her head up on her hand and stared over at her.

"Not so good," Karma smiled, fighting tears.

"Maybe I should leave you two alone," Amy spoke loudly.

Reagan sat up. She knew what she had to do.

"I've got a better idea," she said. "It's time for a game."

"Karma hates monopoly!" Amy nearly shouted.

Reagan made a face and stared down at Karma. "We're not playing monopoly," she reassured.

"Fine. What then. Karma hates most board games."

"Get down here," Reagan said. "And you, come on," she said sweetly to Karma. "Lay on your back."

Karma rolled over and stared at Amy while she took a huge gulp of wine. Some part of her still felt like she was only doing these things to placate her blonde friend. It was weird to think of it that way but Karma couldn't fight the truth that she wouldn't be here if it weren't for Amy.

Amy got up and stood near Reagan. Reagan took her hand and pulled her down.

"Okay," Karma said, laying down on her back and closing her eyes.

"Okay," Reagan sighed. "We're going to just try a few things," she didn't want to make them nervous but this was important. "Wait here," she said. "And don't talk." She knew if they talked they would fuck it all up.

Reagan moved quickly to the kitchen. She pulled a cup out of the cupboard and moved to the freezer to grab ice.

"Amy, put on some music for Karma," Reagan yelled. She wanted to make sure they were distracted.

Amy pulled her phone out of her pocket and noticed that Karma had opened her eyes and turned her head so that she could watch her.

Karma's heart tugged at just the sight of her there. "I'm really sorry," Karma whispered sweetly. "I meant what I said. This isn't like Liam at all."

"Whatever," Amy barely made out. She was deliberately keeping Karma at bay and putting up barriers. She let go of her own arm and rummaged through her playlists to find the one Karma had been playing before and click on it.

She skipped the first few songs and let it play.

Reagan came back with a cup in her hand.

"Close your eyes," she said.

Karma listened and obeyed. Amy stared at her defiantly.

"You too," Reagan said.

Karma tried to calm down as she hear Amy heavily sigh and most likely obey.

"Okay," Reagan said, her smooth voice already working it's magic.

Karma felt as the tie on her robe began to move.

"Uh-" She was going to protest. She moved her hand to stop whoever it was from undressing her. But when she opened her eyes she saw Reagan looking down on her and urging her to just let her try something.

"Shhhh," Reagan sweetly said, locking eyes with her and giving Karma that convincing smile. "Eyes shut," she nearly whispered, her eyebrow raised.

Amy was fine with pretending they weren't all in a room together. To her that was good. Her eyes were shut and she'd keep them that way for as long as she could.

"Good," Reagan said, once Karma had visibly relaxed again and shut her eyes.

Reagan let her hands undo Karma's robe and throw the fabric aside.

"Okay," Reagan said, looking over to Amy and taking her hand in her own. "We're just going to try something," Reagan said.

Amy flexed and reacted as Reagan put something cold into her hand.

"Hold it," Reagan said.

It was ice. It was obviously ice.

"Eyes shut," Reagan reminded. Carefully, she led Amy's hand out over Karma's naked body. "Okay," she said softly, lowering Amy's hand down and watching as the ice hit Karma's stomach and caused her to breathe in sharply.

"Eh-"

"Shhhh," Reagan said, taking Amy's wrist into her other hand so that she could use her right hand to hold at Karma's side and rub.

She led the ice cube in Amy's hand slowly down Karma's stomach.

Amy could hear Karma's breathing as it accelerated. She could vaguely feel Karma moving her stomach up and down as the ice cube in her hand slowly traveled and melted.

"Mmm," Reagan hummed. She moved back to Amy and whispered in her ear. "Open your eyes," she said, just to her.

Amy opened them and stared at Reagan, she still had the ice between her thumb and her fingers.

"Good," Reagan mouthed, "now, look." She nodded her head over to Karma. Amy's eyes slowly fell.

Before her was Karma, completely naked and panting with worried and shut eyes.

"Oh my god," Amy muttered.

"Shhhhh," Reagan said, moving her hand over Amy's mouth and waiting as Amy's eyes grew wide and then settled.

"Okay," Reagan said, moving her hand from Amy's mouth and moving her body to Karma's feet.

Karma felt as two hands clasped her ankles and then began to run up the sides of her legs while that cold sensation puddled and slowly moved toward her sides where she knew she couldn't take it.

"I'm ticklish!" Karma barely breathed out, her voice raising.

Amy knew is much, which was why she was doing it.

"Yeah, I know," Amy teased, moving the ice down to Karma's side and watching her mouth drop open and her expression change to one of desperation.

Karma's hands came down and clasped at Amy's wrist and hands.

"Not there," she said, turning her head and opening her eyes to lock them with Amy's. "Please," she begged. She stared at Amy for at least a full second before letting her eyes drift close.

"Okay," Amy sighed. "Then where?" She asked, knowing it would drive her a bit nuts. Karma obviously didn't want to be in control of any of this. The easier to excuse it away.

Reagan took a piece of ice and ran it up and down Karma's feet.

"STOP!" Karma smiled, kicking her foot and fighting her own laughter away.

Amy took two more ice cubes and put them on Karma's stomach. She cupped her hands over them and began to move them quickly up Karma's body, between her breasts and all the way up to her neck.

Reagan watched, noticing as something came over Amy and she seemed determined now, engaged. She was looking down at Karma's face and watching her.

She'd snapped her from her rage and her wanting to leave. Reagan watched and wondered what was inside of her.

Amy led the ice up to Karma's neck, using her other hand to hold at Karma's face. Karma ducked her face into Amy's hand, loving it. Then Amy ran her ice-filled hand around Karma's neck getting close enough to feel Karma's breath on her ear as Karma nervously panted and wondered how much she could take.

The ice traveled against the side of Karma's neck and all the way to the back of it. As soon as it grazed the side though Karma reached her hands up and hugged Amy's head and neck close for something to grasp.

"Kiss me," she breathed, and right into Amy's ear. Instantly Amy felt a need for her. But she tried to fight it, because of everything, she felt she had to.

Amy fought her, getting her head free and sitting up just to stare down at her. This girl she'd spent her whole life with. This beautiful confusing girl.

Reagan watched as Amy went through some sort of dilemma, trying to decide.

As Amy dipped in, Reagan smiled and ran her hands up Karma's legs adding pressure as she did. Something about the moment felt right, even for her.

And when Amy finally remembered who Karma had always been to her, when she finally gave in again and kissed her, Karma felt as Reagan's thumbs simultaneously pushed hard into her upper thighs, they were so close to her sex Karma felt her whole body almost leap in how pleasurable the moment was.

And when Amy kissed her? _** Oh…**_

Karma clasped her hand on Amy's wrist, she pulled her in, and she kissed her back, tasting how turned on she instantly was. Warm from the fire, with melting ice and water puddling. They kissed and Reagan pushed in again on Karma's thighs accidentally spreading Karma's lips and causing her to feel the air in the room and the nearness of them both.

Karma's head spun. All around was love. All around was pleasure.

What happened next was unexpected.

Karma pulled Amy's head into hers, forcing Amy to kiss her more. Years and years of waiting and wanting had all come to this. All those hot endless dreams. All those secret nights that weren't real. They all led to this. Amy's tongue felt right in her mouth. It felt so fucking right.

Barely apart from her, Amy felt like she was tasting ambrosia. She moved her hand to Karma's neck and her thumb to Karma's chin. She needed to be kissing her suddenly. She needed it to never ever stop. She was done fighting it, done thinking.

It felt right.

But then, for Karma, an unfamiliar sensation. A glorious sensation.

As if the kissing wasn't enough. Karma felt movement near her bottom half.

Reagan knew. Reagan knew that Karma had never and could never feel this good.

With every intention of bringing her to her knees, Reagan slipped an icecube into her mouth and knelt down over her. With very little movement and next to no warning, Karma felt as Reagan's cold hands squeezed again at her thighs. Then, like a dagger of ice, the tip of Reagan's ice cold tongue gently touched down and licked delicately up Karma's throbbing clit.

Karma's breath instantly left her and she clung hard onto Amy to survive the attack of pleasure that stopped her body dead. She'd never felt anything that right. Not until here and now.


End file.
